Good and godly marriages are made out of the raw material of good and godly Christians. Marriage can be a great help in our sanctification, but it is not the foundation of our sanctification. Another way of saying this is that you can’t make a good omlet with rotten eggs.
When it comes to certain basic attitudes, such as selfishness, or gratitude, or stubbornness, or tenderheartedness, vices and virtues both, marriage amplifies what you are. It does not transform what you are, at least not automatically. Rather it takes whatever you are, plugs it into the amplifier, and turns it up to eleven.
Living in an apartment by yourself, it is easy to notice how unselfish you are being. You scarcely ever get annoyed, or frustrated, or out of sorts. Things are going very well indeed, you think, and perhaps it is time to get married in order that you might be able to share the wealth.
The raw material that is necessary in order to make a good husband is something called a good Christian man. The raw material necessary in order to make a good wife is something called a good Christian woman. Notice the way Scripture points this out in the case of the woman.
“Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: But a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.”Proverbs 31:30 (KJV)
A woman like that is priced far above rubies. (Prov. 31:10)
But what is it to fear the Lord? A man or a woman who fears the Lord is one who does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God (Matt. 4:4). In other words, godly husbands and godly wives are fashioned out of the kind of people who read their Bibles. Some might say that this is what they expected to hear from a preacher, but the thing about truisms is that they are frequently true. Christians whose Bibles fall apart through constant use are the kind of Christians whose marriages are not falling apart.
A second aspect of this is that it is not enough simply to read the Word. The Word is given to us so that we might apply it, obey it, do it. The person who hears the Word only, failing to apply it, is a person who deceives himself (Jas. 1:22). This is a frequent cause of great consternation in marriages, where Christian couples think that paying lip service to the place of the Bible in their home is sufficient. Not only do we see a lack of application, we also see the resultant self-deception. This self-deception that men and women, and women and men, often believe themselves to be in a relationship that bears no resemblance to the reality.
And third, because we all stumble in various ways, it is important for conscientious Christians to be humble about their faults and failings, which means that they are willing to keep short accounts. Keeping short accounts means that when you stumble and sin in a relationship, you don’t hang on to your pride, but rather confess your sin promptly and humbly.
Christians who read their Bibles, Christians who make a serious effort to live the way the Bible says to live, and Christians who freely acknowledge the ways in which they fall short, when they fall short, are husbands and wives worth having. The end result it true marital fellowship,
“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.”1 John 1:7 (KJV)
If you walk in the light together, as He is in the light, a true koinonia fellowship is the result.
Benjamin, here is my charge to you. I have stated certain basic principles for the Christian home. The Scriptures assign to you the role of the head of this home, and this means that you must assume the responsibility of leadership in this. You are to be a man of the Word, you are to be a man who seeks to be obedient, and you are to be a man who models humility for his wife. In doing this you are not abandoning your assigned role as the head, but rather are demonstrating for your wife the way you expect her and all the children to act as well. You are demonstrating for them how it is to be done. You are to be a pattern, a template, a husband and father.
Hannah, as your husband undertakes the weighty responsibility of leading and teaching you, you are charged to be an eager student, and not an ornery one. You might think that he is in way over his head, which is true enough, but never forget that so are you. The things that God tells all of us to do in marriage are things that in this fallen world are an uphill climb—for all of us. It is not the case that this will be a challenge for him, but not for you. So your task is that of being a respectful sweetheart.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen.