Luke and Elizabeth

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, welcome. Let us pray together now, seeking God’s blessing on this joyful event.

The fifth chapter of Ephesians is the classic wedding text, and for good and weighty reasons. In the space of a just few short paragraphs, the apostle Paul gloriously summarizes all the fundamental issues of life, love, sin and forgiveness. And it is fitting that he does so through the illustration of marriage, the great embodiment of the gospel.

He first tells the Ephesian Christians to be filled by the agency of the Holy Spirit, avoiding the false joy caused by an excess of wine. The result of the Spirit’s work will be first, music, second, thanksgiving, and third, a spirit of mutual submission. All three are to be characteristic of all believers, for all believers are indwelt by the Holy Spirit who does these things.

But then Paul moves to areas of particular application, beginning with the wives. While all Christians are to be characterized by a spirit of submission, the wives are urged to make a particular point of it, submitting to their own husbands, as unto the Lord Himself. The reason Paul gives for this is that the husband is the head of the wife in just the same way that Christ is the head of the church. As the head, the Lord Jesus is the savior of the body. It therefore follows that just as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in all things.

Turning to the husbands, Paul tells them to love their wives the way Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for it. He has told wives to submit to their husbands. He tells husbands to submit to the duty of sacrificial death. The purpose of such dying is to sanctify and cleanse by means of the “washing of water by the word.” These are not dry propositions; this is the word which sacrifices itself. The end result is that a husband finds himself, ironically, with a wife to die for.

Not only must a husband love his wife like Christ loved the Church, he is also called to love his wife as he loves his own body. A man who loves his wife is loving himself really—when a man gives to a woman in this way, he finds that it is virtually impossible to outgive her. The more he gives, the more a blessing returns to him. Just as a man nourishes and cherishes his own body, in just the same way that the Lord nourishes and cherishes the Church, so also a man should love his wife.

We are all connected. We are members together of Christ’s body, of His flesh and of His bones. We in the Christian Church are His bride, and He is the Bridegroom. As we are connected to Christ, so also a man is joined to his wife after he has left his father and mother. This is a great mystery, Paul says, speaking of marriages just like this one. Who can figure it out? But the reason it is a great mystery is the fact that God has involved far more than simple biological realities as a man and woman become one flesh. This is, in our reckoning, and in our experience, a glorious thing. But Paul is arguing here that marital love is a dim, flickering image of a reality beyond us all, a reality that so far surpasses that dim image that we really have no clear conception of it at all.

But it is not the kind of surpassing reality that allows us to float away from our duties. Paul has his face turned toward heaven, but he does this the way that all true saints do. As he becomes heavenly minded, he does not cease to be of any earthly good. And in the same way he expects us to follow him. We contemplate the glorious reality of Christ and the Church, the great mystery, the thing we cannot really comprehend, but then we return, naturally, easily, completely, to Paul’s conclusion. Nevertheless, he says, let each one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself. And let the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Luke, men like being the boss, they like being in charge. They like having the last word. They like what they think Paul is talking about here, but all men—or as Paul put it, “each one of you in particular”—need to take a close look at how Paul actually describes headship. He does not describe it in terms of orders, commands, decrees, putting the foot down, or any of that kind of thing. In just a moment, Elizabeth will be promising, among many other things, to obey you. But you will not be vowing to “make her” obey you. Paul here tells you to love, sacrifice, defend, save, cleanse, nurture, and die. That is what your vows entail. And the irony is that when you turn away from any approach that tries to “make her” obey you, when you refuse to be like those men who jab at a verse with their finger wondering out loud whether or not the wife knows how to read, it is then that your sacrificial love nourishes and feeds her love and respect for you. Sacrificial love is willing to die, and that is why sacrificial love raises the dead.

Elizabeth, husbands are told to be like Jesus Christ, and wives are told to imitate the Church. Lest anyone think this a disparagement of women, think of it this way. Women are told to be like the one that the eternal Son of God chose to marry. And the imitation is of that glorious bride on the day of her nuptials, when she is presented to the Lord without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Some might still complain—husbands are told to imitate the Son of God, and wives are merely told to imitate a collection of forgiven sinners. Make your determination on the basis of what Christ chose to love, and not on the determination of what we would choose to love. The example set before you is a glorious honor to imitate.

And I charge the two of you together to remember Paul’s summary at the end of this chapter. Each husband, in particular, love his wife as he loves himself. When it comes to a particular application of the Golden Rule, husbands are singled out. If there is any group of people on this earth who need to have the Golden Rule folded up for them to take along everywhere, it would be husbands. Do as you would be done by. As you would like your wife to give to you, give to her. Do you want her to sacrifice herself for you? Good . . . then show her how.

Each wife should honor, respect, and reverence her husband. Don’t render what you would like to be getting—render to him what God tells you to. This means that while loving him is just fine—God made you that way and He likes it—that is not the thing He tells you to concentrate on. He wants you to reverence your husband. Honor him, look up to him, and respect him. Just as women thrive on love, so men thrive on respect. Just as women need love, so men need respect. Just as women can be starved for love, so men can be starved for respect. And so you also are to follow the Golden Rule, with this adjustment. You are to take your need for love as a gauge for how you render respect to your husband.

This is a marriage, meaning that it is more like a dance than anything else. This is not like two women preparing a meal together, with each one being courteous. This is not like a couple of men out in the woods carrying a log together. This is like a great dance in a ballroom. You don’t both bow, and you both don’t curtsy. Luke, you bow in sacrificial love. Elizabeth, you curtsy in submissive respect. Other arrangements might appeal to a more pragmatic turn of mind, but they are not nearly so much like a ball.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen. And all the Lord’s people said amen.