In order to have a Christian home, the kind we just sang about, it is necessary to have Christians. In order to have a Christian marriage, there must be a Christian man and Christian woman. Going beyond this, in order to have a good Christian marriage, we must have a good man and good woman. This is only possible in Christ, and in the text that was just read for us, we see some of what that entails.
First, there is a difference between light and dark (v. 8). To be in the Lord is to be in the light, and it means that we are to walk in accordance with that light (v. 8). When a man and woman love God, the Spirit is present, and what is the fruit of His presence? He works in all goodness, righteousness, and truth (v. 9). Now what is happening when the Spirit works goodness, righteousness, and truth into the heart of a man, and He is doing the same in the heart of a Christian woman? The result is a proof of what is acceptable to God (v. 10)—not to mention a sharp contrast with the world’s way of marriage (vv. 11-13).
Christian marriage is a life that is lived wide awake (v. 14). We have to pay attention because the days are evil (v. 15). We have to be wise, knowing and understanding what God’s will actually is (v. 17). And then the apostle says something really interesting, as he moves into an explicit discussion of Christian marriage. He says that we are not to be drunk with wine—which is excessive—but rather we are to be filled with the Spirit (v. 18). Remember that earlier he said that the fruit of the Spirit was goodness, righteousness, and truth. But we see next that this is not a fussy or petty kind of goodness, but rather a liberated and musical kind of goodness, a bit like drunkenness, only holy. Don’t be filled with wine, he says, but be filled with the Spirit (v. 18). This is the central command—be filled. Fulfillment of this command is then described as something that is accompanied by a series of characteristics. In the English, these are broken up into separate commands, but they are actually all descriptions of what it is to be filled with the Spirit.
The first fruit of the Spirit’s work is musical—speaking in psalms, singing and making melody (v. 19). The second is giving thanks for everything (v. 20). And the third is that of submitting to one another in the fear of God (v. 21). We see here that all Christians are moved by the Spirit to sing, all Christians are called to give thanks, and all Christians are equipped to live lives of mutual submission.
When the Spirit falls on a man, the result is goodness, righteousness and truth. When the Spirit moves a man, He moves him to sing, and to give thanks, and to serve others sacrificially. When the Spirit adorns a woman, He gives her goodness, righteousness, and truth. When the Spirit glorifies a woman, the results are musical, thankful, and submissive.
This is the context in which Paul’s famous comments about headship and submission occur. This is the kind of environment in which these instructions—plain enough in themselves—are safe. And so, Kyle, you are called to this. The Spirit today is present, and He is summoning you to stand up straight in the Lord, enabling you to imitate Jesus. You will be taking some monumental vows in just a few moments. You will become the head of this new home, and you are called to imitate the sacrifice-unto-death that the Head of the Church modeled for us. He poured Himself out in agony—imitate that. He did it for another—imitate that. He loved His bride with a transforming and bestowing love—imitate that. He took responsibility for the loveliness and holiness of His wife—imitate that. And He had every intention of seeing His sacrifice through to the end, and that end was a glorious end, not a dark one. His intent was that His bride loved into becoming the loveliest woman ever—imitate that. Never forget that your love will be the food upon which her loveliness is nourished. There is no substitute for it. Elizabeth can only get this love from you, and on this day, in front of witnesses, you are promising to bestow it freely. But as Paul says later, no man ever worked to his own detriment by doing this. No man ever regretted giving himself away for the sake of a godly woman. He who loves his wife loves himself. Give to her as freely as you can—she will always out-give you.
Elizabeth, Kyle is vowing to take responsibility and to take the initiative. There is a glory in this kind of leading, and there is a complementary glory is being responsive to it. When Paul comes to particulars, he does tell the wives to be submissive to their own husbands, and you are promising here today that this is what your demeanor will be toward Kyle. But this does not start in your relationship with him. Remember that it starts in the context of a Christian community where mutual submission is taken for granted as the demeanor of all Christians, and it is conducted, not with grimness, but with gladness and joy. That is the source; this is where wives learn how to submit—by living in a church community that knows how to submit to the Spirit’s direction and work. Just as husbands wouldn’t know how to behave as Christian husbands unless we had the scriptural account of what Jesus did for us, so wives need the on-going life of the Church. This is why periods of declension in the Church are such a tragedy for Christian marriages—our marital duties are written for us by the Spirit in His sacred book, but they are also written for us in the lives and loves of the Christians around us. To have healthy marriages, we have to read both volumes.
So it all starts the same place that his sacrificing for you starts—it starts with the Spirit’s work, as described in the earlier part of this passage. It starts with the Spirit’s work, as exhibited in music, in thanksgiving, and in sacrificial community life. We are told not to have anything to do with the world’s way of thinking and behaving. Put distance between yourself and the marital darkness—little music, lots of grumbling, and no sacrifice—that the world loves. Reject the futility of all that—you are a Christian bride.
Of course we know that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not at odds with one another, and they all work together in perfect harmony. But at the same time, there are distinctions within the Godhead, and we see that in this passage husbands are called to imitate the work of the Son for the Church, and that wives are called to imitate the work of the Spirit in the Church. As you both take up this happy burden, you will find that you have actually taken up one another.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen.