Department of Human Resources
Valley of Sorek, Gaza
Ms. Delilah bat Abimelek
1100 Bothways Lane
It was a true pleasure getting to know you during our interview process last week. We had a delightful time, as we trust you did as well.
The reason I am writing is in order to inform you of the results of our standardized personality test, in which we seek to apply the most scientific methods in a truly personal way. As you no doubt recall, one entire afternoon was devoted to this testing process, which testifies to our commitment to maintaining a truly harmonious work environment. Our desire, before we offer any position to anyone, is to determine real compatibility at every level of our company. And not to keep you in suspense, we were delighted with the results of the test, and are preparing an offer for you, which will follow a few days from now in a separate communication.
In the meantime, I wanted to mention a few of the things that stood out to me as I reviewed your file. The thing I noticed more than anything else was your ability to recognize and take advantage of true opportunities when they arise. The story you told me of how you came into those 1100 pieces of silver was truly inspirational. Many women would have squandered such an opportunity simply by worrying about how it might look to others, particularly to your ex-boyfriend. But as you made clear to me, that stretch of functional abuse from him had gone on long enough already. He lied to you three times, and in a bald-faced way, and it was only as a result of your urgent entreaties that he was finally prevailed upon to tell you even an approximation of the truth. And as you told me, several times, a relationship built on lies cannot last. He was blind to your real worth before they put his eyes out.
It was also clear from our testing process that you are not reluctant to express your feelings when the occasion calls for it. If there is anything we want to discourage here, it is the suppression of feelings. Again, your willingness to press your ex-boyfriend daily about his repeated lies to you tells me you will fit right in. Some of our executive team meetings can get pretty lively, I’ll tell you that. The only thing we can’t abide is when someone bottles it up. We hate it when people bottle things up.
We want tough, independent women, women who think for themselves, and who know how to navigate the oppressive power structures that surround us every which way we turn. That, and women who know how to cry in executive team meetings. In short, we are looking for survivors, and someone with your experiences, coupled with your talents, should do very well with us here at Acme. We are looking forward to a truly valuable relationship.
You should receive a proposed contract in a few days, and I will look forward to hearing from you after that. But I should let you know that we probably won’t be able to finalize anything until late next week—almost the entire office is going down to the city for the Festival of Dagon. Perhaps we might run into each other?