Evan and Joy

As both scientists and poets have noted, men and women are completely different. At the same time, they are clearly created by God to be one. As a violin and bow are one instrument, or a lock and key one mechanism, so also a bride and groom are one. God made them to be one, and their manifest differences do not fight against that unity. The manifest differences are what make the right kind of unity even possible.

At the same time, because we are fallen creatures, and because things can go wrong, we can come to believe that the differences are the obstacle to true unity. We have trouble learning to play the one instrument. We have trouble operating the one mechanism. The man therefore comes to believe that the woman should be more like him, or in advanced cases, just like him. The woman comes to believe the same thing, only moving in the opposite direction. But this is not the path to unity. It is the way to monochrome boredom and unhappiness, or constant conflict and attendant unhappiness.

Speaking of the differences between men and women, G.K. Chesterton said this:

“The differences between a man and a woman are at the best so obstinate and exasperating that they practically cannot be got over unless there is an atmosphere of exaggerated tenderness and mutual interest. To put the matter in one metaphor, the sexes are two stubborn pieces of iron; if they are to be welded together, it must be while they are red-hot. Every woman has to find out that her husband is a selfish beast, because every man is a selfish beast by the standard of a woman. But let her find out the beast while they are both still in the story of ‘Beauty and the Beast.’ Every man has to find out that his wife is cross—that is to say, sensitive to the point of madness: for every woman is mad by the masculine standard. But let him find out that she is mad while her madness is more worth considering than anyone else’s sanity” (Chesterton, The Common Man).

This is Chesterton’s argument in favor of marrying for love, and it is a shrewd observation.

But an additional element is needed as well, one which Chesterton himself would have no trouble affirming. If we have noted that both pieces of iron need to be red hot, which is when this happens, we also have to take notice of what it is that constitutes the weld itself. This would have to be the presence of Christ Himself, who gives Himself on such occasions as this in the form of promises and covenants.

The vows to be exchanged here are not legal abstractions. They are promises between persons, and—as this is a Christian wedding—multiple persons are involved. The bride and groom exchange promises, and they do so in the presence of the triune God. Their promises are made within the covenant, which means that they are taking these vows upon themselves from within God Himself. He is the one in whom we live and move and have our being, and these promises are one of the ways we partake of Him. Not only so, but these promises are made in the presence of this congregation, assembled in the name of Jesus. There are two brides present here today—Joy, and the bride of Christ, the bride that Joy represents. This bride, the bride of Christ, is also personally present. Evan and Joy are being invited into a marital expression of the gospel, and are warmly invited. The Spirit and the bride together issue the invitation. All of this is personal, that is to say, a transaction conducted between persons, knowing what they do.

When the vows are exchanged in just a few moments, as Christians we believe that Christ is present in the vows themselves, and in the amen that seals them. In a Christian wedding, the vows are not simply “the paperwork” filed after the fact. The vows are right at the heart of what is happening because Christ is right at the heart of what is happening.

What this means is that when you do something as rash as marrying a man and a woman together, Christ had better be present. He is the principle of unity. His grace, kindness and humility are the only things that will make this feasible.

Evan, one of the things that your family testifies about you is that you are a kind man. Such kindness is a wonderful gift from God, and is one of the traits that the Holy Spirit works into His children. It is all the grace of God. But the charge is this. Your kindness has now completed all its preliminary training, and is today graduating. Your kindness is now going to be called upon to take up its real work. Everything up to this point was preliminary training. Few things on this earth are more precious than for a man to establish the foundational pattern of kindness for his home. Let constant kindness be the rule and norm for your home, and let your wife and children rejoice in what God has given to them through you.

Joy, you are to be the return on that kindness. God’s pattern is for the man to bring things to the woman, she takes what he gives, and returns them to him in a glorified state. When Evan brings something to you, such as his kindness, you take it and return it to him, thirty, sixty, and one hundred fold. The apostle Paul teaches us that the man who loves his wife loves himself, and this is the operative principle. He gives to her, and in giving to her he cannot help but receive. In years to come, when people refer to your household, one of its nicknames should be “the kindness farm.”

The charge to both of you together is, as Paul put it, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32).