In the institution of marriage, God has created a wonderful balance in the formation of the human race as male and female. This balance is glorious, and we are most grateful for it. It is clear that from the beginning man was meant to go with woman, and that woman was meant to go with man. This is the kindness and wisdom and grace of God.
But something follows from this, and it is not quite as flattering to meditate on. This is the fact that on our own, apart from one another, our temptations, respective to each sex, will be those of imbalance. The problem is that, because we often live a relative while in an unmarried state, we get used to this imbalance. Let us call it a normed imbalance. Then, when we come to the holy state of matrimony, we start to wonder what could possibly wrong with this other person. We might think our first experiences with creational balance are somehow off kilter. We have mistaken our state of imbalance as normal, and the new state of balance as something that sends us reeling. Often we encounter something new and different, and think that it is out of balance for that reason only. For example, most Americans are not used to the British custom of having the groomsmen sit during the ceremony. Well, to such Americans we might be tempted to say, “Deal with it,” but we can go beyond that and use it as an illustration of this principle.
This principle is hard for the man to understand because he is balance for the woman. This is hard for the woman because she is balance for the man. And, of course, under such circumstances, it is not possible to balance unless are you being balanced. And you are being balanced by that other person, the one you are perceiving as imbalanced. “How is that possible?,” you might wonder.
Marriage is established by God as a testimony to the greatness of the gospel, and so we should not be surprised that it runs on a gospel economy. This means that you can only provide balance if you are giving balance, as a gift, and not trying to keep your balance, as if it were your own possession. As Jesus teaches, that which you try to keep, you lose. That which you lose for His sake will be restored again to you. Grabbing at your balance, insisting on keeping the balance just what it was before, is the best way to lose your balance in the married state. Keeping your balance while waltzing with your partner is a very different proposition than keeping your balance while at parade rest. And if you think that your task is the latter, a standing still balance, when it is actually the former, a dancing balance, then the result will be that you will be one dud of a dancing partner.
So how can a married couple tell the difference between individual imbalance on the one hand, that which may seem like normal balance, and a gospel imbalance, one that will result in true marital balance? The key is found in the word obedience. We are not called to perform a host of higher mathematical calculations in order to figure out what to do. We are not called to dissect everything in order to analyze the various parts of it all. No. We are called to do what God calls us to do, and we are to do that simply and with a whole heart. He is the one who keeps us balanced. We don’t do that part, except to the extent that we simply do as we were told. He is the choreographer; we are His students. Glad obedience is ours, the effects of that obedience, the results of that obedience are His, and He is the one who works it out. Trouble arises when we are in the midst of a great and glorious dance, and we take it upon ourselves to improvise.
If we are doing as we are told, this means that the husband is to emphasize sacrificial leadership. He is to love his wife. The wife is to respect and honor her husband, responding to his leadership. Because we are not capable of seeing the future, or analyzing all the variables, the best thing for us is to simply do what we were told to do. God tells husbands to love and lead their wives, and He tells wives to honor and follow their husbands. Love and respect. Husbands, love your wives. Wives, honor your husbands. It is astonishing how well it works when we stop wondering if the other person is doing what they are supposed to do, and simply do what God calls us to do. In Scripture, God takes husbands aside and teaches them their steps—love your partner, and lead her. Also in Scripture, God takes wives aside and teaches them their steps—respect and obey your husband.
Mark, as you know, you are going to be living with Carolyn in your homeland, and not in hers. Instead of considering it as an inexplicable hardship, let this leadership you are showing in this area be a metaphor for every aspect of your life together. As you love your wife, as Christ loved the Church, your first priority should be to love her in such a way as to secure her security. There are two essential elements in this. The first is that you must have a backbone, and the second is that you must use the strength of your back to carry true weight for your wife. But you are to carry these things, not like a shuffling servant with a parcel, tagging along behind her, but like a warrior carrying a maiden away from the dragon. There are two ways of carrying responsibility; you must do the one, and you must not do the other. Use your backbone to take responsibility—the kind of responsibility assigned by God. Not by me, not by cultural expectations, not by custom, not by Carolyn, but rather by the word of God grounded in Scripture.
Carolyn, as Mark offers you these things to you, my charge to you is to simply receive them. You have, by the grace of God, a strong sense of belonging and family. This is the gift of God, and rightly handled it will be the source of new connections, new friendships, new commitments, and a new rootedness. This strong connectedness and sense of loyalty is going to be used by God to do wonderful things. Expect those wonderful things, and look for them.
Mark and Carolyn together, you both have strong personalities, which gives you the opportunity to use your respective strength for one another. This is wise, and it is what you must do, because the only alternative is using your strength on one another. Mark, you are called to a masculine strength, and Carolyn, you are called to a feminine strength. Rightly embraced, this will result in the balance of a well-danced waltz, and not the false balance of two people just standing there, or the imbalance that results from collisions.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen.