Since the entrance of sin into our fallen world, we have a tendency to divide things that belong together, and to put together things that should be kept distinct. We blur what should be sharp, and we divide what should be blended. Although the creation of marriage antedates the entrance of sin, sin has entered into marriage in profound and pervasive ways. Indeed, the first disruption caused by sin was the disruption of fellowship between our first parents—the first troubles in our world were marriage troubles.
This means that as the image of God is being restored in us, in Christ, the most profound work, the central work, will be in our marriages. It will be there that we see the first evidences of the effectiveness of the Spirit’s work . . . or not. It may seem odd to have an exhortation at a wedding begin on this note of marriage troubles, but this does not take away from the joy of this occasion. Some couples have a solid marriage from the first day on, while others struggle. But all couples are married in a world in which the concept of marriage itself is dislocated, and all couples are called to the glorious task of putting things right. This is what a Christian marriage is like—in the Christian gospel, God is putting the world to rights, and in Christian marriages, He is doing that work in the place where our troubles first began. Couples who understand this, who face this reality head on, are couples who are blessed throughout the course of their life together. Couples who believe that nothing needs to be fixed or, if something needs fixing, it is always in the other person, are couples who struggle. They are not living in the world as it is.
In marriage, so much depends on understanding the God-given distinctions between male and female, and so much depends on understanding how they are intended to blend in an organic and complementary way. But we stumble—we were supposed to blend our wills, becoming more and more like-minded, and we were supposed to keep our personalities distinct and sharp, becoming daily more and more like ourselves—growing up into ourselves. Instead of this, we blend our personalities and everything and everybody gets all tangled up, but we keep our wills distinct, becoming increasingly stubborn as the years go by. And then we wonder at the conflicts.
When we start to notice that something is seriously wrong, we sometimes seek help—perhaps in a book, or from a seminar—and we study various aspects of successful marriage, and learn various things, or so we think, but then we do not notice any improvement. So we get another book, or turn to another seminar or weekend retreat. We become like those that the apostle Paul mentioned once, who are always learning but never coming to a knowledge of the truth.
This is because we have divided hearing from actually doing, the very thing that James warned us against. When we hear the word without doing it, we deceive ourselves, James says. One of the places where this deception takes deep root is in the fact that we think we are doing simply because we are willing to hear. We have taken to spending all our time editing recipes, instead of spending time in the kitchen cooking, using recipes in the appropriate way. That “appropriate way” is to learn what you are supposed to do, and then to go and do it. You hear a message on marriage, and you put it into practice.
But in this kitchen of marriage there will be two cooks, and so the point is not to hear a message on what the other cook needs to be doing, and to then spend your time watching him or her, wondering when they are going to start doing their part. The reason they may not be doing their part is quite possibly because they are making the same mistake you are—they are standing there wondering when you are going to start doing your part. In a godly marriage, each person is called to particular things, and each person is to start there.
Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Husbands are called to love their wives as they care for their own bodies. Wives are called to honor and respect their husbands, just as the Church honors the Lord. Husbands learn what they are to do through imitation, and wives learn what they are to do by imitation as well.
Husbands are not told to live if their wives are respectful to them. Wives are not told to respect if their husbands are loving them rightly. Our individual obedience to the authority of Christ is one of the things we are supposed to keep distinct. As both husband and wife keep their hearts faithful, keeping their obedience distinct, they quickly discover, to their great joy, that this is what makes their hearts and wills one.
Let us extend the cooking metaphor still further. A good cook knows how to blend spices in such a way that the presence of each is still markedly there. You can tell its presence, and you can tell the presence of the other, and you are enjoying something that is much greater than the sum of its parts. This is what a good and whole marriage is like. We are not supposed to dump everything into the pot, and call the results “sauce.”
Allow me to make one other comment using the cooking metaphor. When you are in the kitchen together, in the way that you ought to be, there will be two great joys. The first is the joy of anticipation, communicated by aroma, and the other is the satisfaction of actually eating the meal. At our table, when our extended family gathers, there are two principal verbal expressions of gratitude and joy. The first is when people come in from outside, and they smell the aroma of the meal that has been prepared. The other is when we sit down to eat, and we compliment and thank the cook. You are called to both. As husband and wife, you are to be satisfied in one another. You are to be satisfied in the goodness of the marriage God has given you. But you are also to live lives of continual preparation, such that the aroma of your gladness in one another is evident to everyone who comes into your home.
Justin, you are called to love this woman as your own body, and you are called to love her as Christ loved the Church. That’s a tall order, and yet that is what the vows you are about to take will commit you to. There is no possible way for you to keep these vows unless you are dependent entirely on the grace and goodness of God. The form of the vows that we use don’t include the phrase so help me God, but we are assuming this throughout. God promises to equip you for the task you are undertaking. The one thing that interferes with this provision of His is sin, and in all males (not just you), the principle form that this sin takes is the sin of pride. When we take vows in the name of Jesus, we are invoking the fact that God has covenanted with us as well. He is obligated, by His promised grace, to meet us in our weakness, and to strengthen us when we stagger. But you will not apply to Him for this grace if you are being proud. And you need to know how strikingly easy it is for males get proud, particularly when they are in the presence of a girl. And remember, you are now, from this moment on, in the presence of a woman for the rest of your life. So as you are taking these vows, you are asking God to mortify your pride.
Emily, you will be promising, in just a moment, to look up to Justin with heartfelt respect and honor, and to do so in all things. You need to understand that this is not just technical deference, or a grudgingly acknowledgment that he has the responsibility of leading. Your father has given you away, and you are about to give yourself away. You are to look expectantly to Justin, waiting for him to lead you in the Christian discipline of laying down your life for others. He will do this, and you will follow him in it. He will give himself to you, and you will give yourself to him, and then you will both discover that God has returned to both of you what you have given away in His name. You will have your gift returned, while at the same time Justin will still have it. This is a mystery, but I speak about Christ and the Church.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen.