Unless God Thinks You Wronged Her

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Introduction

Try to ignore the steely-eyed and thoughtful gaze. I just look that way occasionally, and can’t help it.

So just about a week ago, the guys at Canon Press took a snippet of mine from the “Sin of Empathy” episode of Man Rampant, put it into a meme, and posted it on Facebook. They did this, out where everybody could see it. When I checked this morning, there were 333 comments, many of them pretty indignant. To be fair, there were plenty of other comments in the what-the-heck vein, wondering what could possibly be wrong with a sentiment like that.

Now for those Christians who have a biblical world and life view, the sentiment expressed there is on a par with “never claim that these two oranges over here and those two oranges over there would together constitute four oranges, unless they actually do.” And other outrages and enormities.

Notice that I referred to Christians with a biblical world and life view, thereby clearly implying that the indignant responders must not have a biblical worldview. This is exactly correct—they do not. I want to explore for a few moments why they plainly do not.

What Goes Without Saying, But Was Still Said

When God thinks that a man owes his wife an apology, and needs to seek her forgiveness, such a man is under an absolute obligation to do so. She shouldn’t have to ask for it. His friends shouldn’t have to come and confront him about it. When God believes that a husband was in the wrong, what this means is that—follow me closely here—he was in the wrong. And when he is in the wrong, he should own it, fully, completely, entirely, and without any excuses. He should model for his family what owning up to something in true humility looks like.

And yet, for many women today, that is not good enough. If you doubt what I say, go have a look at those comments I referred to earlier.

Here is the biblical standard. The universe is governed by an immutable and holy God, who is in His character and attributes the only ultimate standard of holiness. So that we might know how to worship Him, and how to respond to Him, He has revealed how His character translates into this fallen world by giving us His law, and He has also demonstrated how that law is to be embraced and lived out perfectly by giving us His Son. Scripture is our written standard, and Christ is our incarnate standard.

This is a standard that covers all contingencies. Absolutely nothing is left out. When a man and a wife have had a conflict over something, there are only two possibilities. It is either the case that God thinks he should go apologize for what he did, or—and again, follow me closely here—God doesn’t think that.

Now suppose for the sake of discussion that God doesn’t think that. If God doesn’t think that, then why should the husband think that?

And yet there are still plenty of women around who think that this is not good enough. There is many a queen bee in many a hive what doesn’t go along with all this, and surely she and her feelings should be consulted in the matter, no?

No.

What we are talking about here is lordship and authority, and claims to lordship and authority. What is being implicitly assumed in this idolatrous scenario is that a man’s conscience is bound by the authority of God Most High, right alongside the feelings of the Wife Most High.

Do Not Get Distracted

Someone is going to say (and I opened the comments on this post, by the way) that I am being calloused and insensitive and piggish and arrogant, and why? Because the writer has a sister whose husband used to beat her up. Because her next door neighbor has a husband who is addicted to porn. Because her husband has a bad temper, and everybody in the household has to walk on eggs all the time. Because she knows a man who . . .

But notice that in all these instances, the Scriptures would clearly state that such husbands are in deep sin, and that they should repent and amend their lives, and restore their families if they can. In such scenarios, would God think that the husband had wronged his wife? Absolutely, yes.

So why is it offensive to say that a husband who doesn’t beat his wife, who doesn’t use porn, who doesn’t have a bad temper . . . shouldn’t act like he is one of those who does?

And the answer is found in the modern heresy of identity politics, because that is the toxic root underneath all of this. Husbands are guilty because they are members of a guilty and oppressive class. Many of them have compounded their crimes by also being white. And some of them have even shown, from time to time, a heterosexual interest in their wives, which is also deemed mighty offensive.

But whenever a wife wants her feelings to share the throne with God’s Word, it is just a matter of time before her feelings will have to reign supreme there, and God’s Word will be entirely set aside by her feelings. There will come a moment when what Scripture teaches won’t matter to her at all. She will set aside the Word of God for the sake of her tradition (Mark 7:9). Many of the women in these discussions are already there. Their rage and spite against God’s design for marriage is already in manifest evidence.

The Supposed Expedient Lie

But let’s address the men for a moment. There are many men who are good providers, they are faithful to their wives, they are not subject to fits of rage, and so on. In those respects, they are good husbands. But they are guilty of a very grievous sin—they are liars. They lie to their wives, routinely, and as a matter of policy.

They do not lie to their wives about their mistress across town. They do not lie to their wives about their abuse of the credit cards. They do not lie to their wives about losing their temper with the kids. No, nothing like that. But they do lie to their wives about the emotional thermostat of household. She has tyrannical control of everything through her feelings and her feelings are deemed automatically authoritative. If God doesn’t think he owes an apology, and she feels like he does . . . does he apologize?

The men who go along with this kind of thing are men who are trying to build a good marriage (or perhaps save a poor one) by means of lying to their wives. The problem is that you cannot actually do either. If you keep the peace by apologizing simply in order to keep peace, and without reference to whether any genuine wrong was done, you don’t have a good marriage. You have a charade.

And if you believe that you can avert divorce by capitulating (yet again), and catering to her feelings, because the alternative would entail standing up to her, then you are sinning. You can’t really save your marriage by sinning against your marriage. You can’t be rescued from drowning by staying on the bottom of the pool.

And God does think a guilty husband should put that right. It is a genuine wrong. But the problem is that if he really repented, and if he really put it right, it would be simply a matter of days, or perhaps hours, before his wife found out that he had repented. And that would be troublesome.

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Jeff
Jeff
2 years ago

amen – preach!

Ben Greenfield
2 years ago

Actually, that slightly bleary-eyed photo would have been perfect for the cover of your new cannabis book. :)

Brett S.
Brett S.
2 years ago

Well, I have a friend… who perfectly embodies the liar that Pastor Wilson calls out here. His family life is full of problems, which are continually compounded by his near-complete capitulation to his wife and her “emotional-supremacy”. I have tried many times to call him to repent and submit to back surgery (so the Holy Spirit can implant a spine), to no avail. I think I will send this post his way.

Kimberly
2 years ago

With a view to his wife’s soul, no matter how it may seem, it is not loving her well to allow her to usurp the Holy Spirit’s role and to wield such a mighty sword of guilt or conviction which is the office of One alone. It is neither right nor safe for husband or wife alike.

Viktor Kalm
Viktor Kalm
2 years ago

When you’re trying to figure out what God thinks, shouldn’t you be consulting her feelings in the matter? Let’s say, when it comes to lack of gentleness in your demeanor that would be totally fine with your buddies, but not with the “weaker vessel”.

Robert
Robert
2 years ago
Reply to  Douglas Wilson

Thank you, sir. I think that answers most of my question about your podcast.
But I still feel like I came in on act 2 or 3 and missed the concrete depiction(s) of who these women are. Of course I can imagine, but it would be helpful if you would give a few concrete examples of exactly what/who you are talking about. Thanks!

ZG
ZG
2 years ago
Reply to  Robert

Is it possible for her to have hurt feelings without him sinning? Are her hurt feelings automatically evidence of his lack of gentleness? Are we ever hurt by things that are true and good?

Patrick
Patrick
6 months ago
Reply to  ZG

Her hurt feelings are not automatic evidence. However, self-analysis will often show that the husband has sinned as well. Even if the wife is mostly in the wrong the husband can still apologize for what he has done wrong.

Samuel
Samuel
2 years ago

Out of curiosity, what about when one’s wife’s feelings are hurt and she says you have wronged her by being unkind? Obviously there is kindness and unkindness but is unkindness proven by her feelings being hurt or is there a better standard to measure with?

Robert
Robert
2 years ago
Reply to  Douglas Wilson

Pastor Wilson, please clarify…. when you say “And often it is both”, does that mean that if the husband is 10% wrong and the wife 90% wrong in a particular instance, that the husband should own up to his sin, as sin, and ask forgiveness of his wife… regardless of whether she owns up to her sin or not? Thanks.

Robert
Robert
2 years ago
Reply to  Douglas Wilson

Thank you, sir.

Nathan Tuggy
Nathan Tuggy
2 years ago

The link to the Facebook furor got broken; it looks like it’s supposed to point to https://www.facebook.com/canonpress/posts/10158993060916041

Ryan
Ryan
2 years ago

Great article. I’m missing the point of the last two sentences though. Is it that husbands who fit this pattern don’t want to carry out genuine repentance when it’s actually needed?

Jill Smith
Jill Smith
2 years ago

I’m curious about how this operates in reverse. I was married to a man who demanded frequent apologies, and I don’t think God would have thought the demands were always 100% legitimate. Not unless a gentle (and it really was gentle)–“Sweetie, would you mind calling me if you know you’ll be late for dinner just so I know” is a hanging offense. Does the woman’s duty of submission compel her to apologize when her conscience tells her she did nothing wrong? Being Canadian, I apologized early and often. I took comfort in the Canadian court ruling that an apology is… Read more »

Tom
Tom
2 years ago

Had to read the post just because I’m puzzled how a statement so patently obvious, not to mention thoroughly biblical, can raise such ire. Now I get it. Wish I didn’t.

Ken B
Ken B
2 years ago

Am I the only one who gets about:blank#blocked when I try to go to the link to earlier comments?

Rita
Rita
2 years ago
Reply to  Ken B

Same.

Ken B
Ken B
2 years ago

Am I the only one who gets ‘about:blank#blocked’ when I try to go to the link regarding the comments made earlier?

[Sorry about the duplication, the computer did something weird.]

Robert
Robert
2 years ago

Pastor Wilson, I watched the youtube episode of this, but am a “little” confused. Would you please give one or two *concrete examples* of what this looks like in real life…the kind of situations you are speaking against – for a husband to apologize to his wife when God doesn’t think he has wronged her. I may be and/or have been guilty of this in the past, partly because e.g. for the *manner* in which I have spoken to my wife during a heated exchange (e.g. angry, unkind, sharp)… and so owning my own sin, I confess and apologize for… Read more »

Abby
Abby
2 years ago

I am really enjoying your blog lately. Thanks for all the good words! I am curious about your ideas on what I often refer to as “the polite apology.” These are instances where no one has sinned, but someone has suffered, usually in a small way. If I accidentally step on your toe, I say “oh, I’m sorry.” If I bump your buggy at the grocery store with mine, I say “oh, I’m sorry.” It’s the polite thing to do. And then there are misunderstandings. If I work behind a counter and misunderstand something you say and bring out the… Read more »

Jill Smith
Jill Smith
2 years ago
Reply to  Abby

I think it likely that the type of apology Doug means isn’t “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you” or “I’m so sorry, I totally forgot about my dental appointment, could we get together later in the day.” Those are apologies that we make spontaneously, without a demand from the other person, and without the feeling that we are being manipulated. I’m wondering it is more like, “I expect an apology for your behavior at the party last night. The way you were flirting with the ho in the black dress was an embarrassment to everyone in the room. You totally… Read more »

Robert
Robert
2 years ago
Reply to  Jill Smith

Hello, Could you please point me to some examples or scenarios that illustrate exactly what Pastor Wilson seems to be addressing… especially as it seems to be some sort of prevalent behavior in the church? I’m not trying to be “coy” or naive, and maybe I don’t get out enough — Also it is possible I have been guilty of this in the past and might still be! Of course I can imagine something of what he might be talking about, but the examples/scenarios I imagine seem to be sort of an extreme caricature, and I have to think what… Read more »

Abby
Abby
2 years ago
Reply to  Jill Smith

Thanks for your reply. Your example about the party gave me a better understanding of the kind of thing this is directed at. Very helpful!

Jane
Jane
2 years ago
Reply to  Abby

I don’t think the small “I’m sorry” as an acknowledgment of having caused an inconvenience or committed a minor oversight or bumped into her is what’s in view. That’s just a polite acknowledgment that imperfection sometimes causes small troubles and he’s regretful that it is so. I think he’s referring to the sort of full blown apology where the husband admits definite moral fault and asks forgiveness, but has not committed an actual fault; he merely wants to get off the hook for her negative feelings. What I find fascinating about the strong negative reaction elsewhere is that appears to… Read more »

Abby
Abby
2 years ago
Reply to  Jane

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you mean. I guess maybe I should have put my examples into a marriage situation, and the husband is the one who forgets or misunderstands and then refuses to apologize. As you say, the apology is both an expression of politeness as well as regret for causing the wife trouble. Is refusing that on grounds of not being in sin, kind of/sort of not very loving and gracious? Or is that actually right and a wife should not have her feelings hurt because her husband doesn’t want to offer her that politeness and… Read more »

Jane
Jane
2 years ago
Reply to  Abby

Abby, I’m saying that the accident/small mistake kind of apology is not the kind of thing Wilson is talking about as what shouldn’t be done. Saying “I’m sorry I forgot to pick up the milk” is not really an apology or request for forgiveness, it’s a polite acknowledgment. (If the husband forgot the milk out of a pattern of not paying attention to what she asks or thinking too much of his own affairs without taking the family’s needs into account, that’s a sin. If he just forgot because it was one of those days when he had a lot… Read more »

Justin Parris
Justin Parris
2 years ago

Obvious truth, and so its warrants preaching on its own, as there are always those who are innately hostile to obvious truth. Still, not the most useful advice. Mostly because there is no concrete process for determining with reliability whether or not God thinks you need to apologize to your wife. Sure it *sounds* like you could just cross reference what she’s mad about against the Bible, but this inaccurately assumes that what she’s actually mad about is the thing that on the surface she is claiming to take issue with. You gave examples of men who beat their wives… Read more »

Jane
Jane
2 years ago
Reply to  Justin Parris

Ah, but note the wording: it’s not, “Never apologize to your wife except for things in which you have wronged her.” It’s, “Never apologize to your wife, unless God thinks you have wronged her.” In the toilet seat scenario, as you lay it out, you agree that God does think the husband wronged the wife. So he needs to realize, he has something to apologize for, even if it’s not the thing that the wife appears to be upset about at the moment. The toilet seat tiff ought to make him realize that something is amiss, and why, and whose… Read more »

Justin Parris
Justin Parris
2 years ago
Reply to  Jane

“So he needs to realize, he has something to apologize for, even if it’s not the thing that the wife appears to be upset about at the moment. ” Except sometimes, like all people, the wife really will be just being unreasonable about something unimportant. So how is he expected to divinely intuit the difference? If you have to “just know” when you need to apologize, that makes the advice even worse than I originally described, as no one who already knows they need to apologize needs advice, and no one who doesn’t already know will come to the correct… Read more »

Jane
Jane
2 years ago
Reply to  Justin Parris

He’s not supposed to divinely intuit the meaning of what his wife is upset about, he’s supposed to apologize for the things he’s wronged her in, which he’s responsible for discerning as the Holy Spirit reveals his sin (and much of which he knows perfectly well on his own, just as any of us frequently know about ourselves). So he’s responsible for facing his sin and repenting of it, which, when it involves wronging another person, requires asking forgiveness of the person he’s wronged. Just like every other situation for every person — there’s absolutely nothing unique about that for… Read more »

Justin Parris
Justin Parris
2 years ago
Reply to  Jane

” and he knows that’s causing a problem in the marriage” I’m not sure why you leap to this conclusion. I would wager the majority of men who look at porn have no idea what damage it causes to their relationships. ” Which is pretty much what you said, so I’m not sure what your objection is.” The objection is to the usefulness of the advice. If all men already know that they need to apologize this way, as you describe, than what do they need Doug Wilson’s advice for? If they don’t know, then Doug Wilson’s advice hardly helps… Read more »

All Around the Web – May 31, 2021 – sola evangelii

[…] Doug Wilson – Unless God Thinks You Wronged Her […]

Norton Lobfarber
Norton Lobfarber
2 years ago

Some have asked, “What does this actually look like in practice?” I would say that if you are fearful of her wrath at all times, you have fallen into this ‘sin’. I’ve been guilty of this in the past and know what that is all about. My life was one apology after another. It netted absolutely nothing as far as I can tell.

Robert
Robert
2 years ago

Thanks, sir. I think you are onto something there. I too can relate to this, thankfully in the past.