Well, I now have the deep privilege of being a scarecrow in local politics. There are many individuals that I would like to thank for this peculiar honor . . .
But first, for those who are from out of town, here is the sitch. The Greater Moscow Alliance, a group that had gotten themselves quite fed up with the general loonytudinousness of our city politburo, has put signs up all over Moscow, counting down the days to our city council election, much like a sailor with twenty-eight days left in the Navy, scraping paint off a gun turret in a blazing hot tropical port, kind of like that. Anyway, these fine citizens have been eager to let us all know that registering to vote is in the finest democratic tradition, that actually voting is even better, and that throwing the bums out has had a long and noble history behind it. It seems this has been done numerous times, with salutary results. It’s not even illegal yet.
So I’m just watching all this, right? I am registered to vote, and I intend to do so, and it is pretty unlikely that I will vote for anybody who has been harassing our people and eating out our substance, as one out-of-date political document once put it. But other than that, I’m just bein’ a low-key guy, you know?
Then along comes this little e-flyer from the paranoid left, with its sneevly insinuations about my personal character. And so let me register right now what’s wrong with this argument. You do see the argument, right? I am sitting in front of a pile of money, and the logo says “Giving Moscow Away.” Get it? GMA, Greater Moscow Alliance, Giving Moscow Away, GMA? Okay, then. Here are ten top reasons why this argument fails.
10. If I had that much money, my property taxes would be a lot higher than they are.
9. If I had that much money, I would have self-published lots more books. I write books for the same reason dogs bark and horses roll in the grass . . . kinda therapeutic. And if I had enough money to publish as much as I wanted, I probably would be too busy to even care anymore that the city council is wrecking our economy, and the future of our children and grandchildren.
8. If you look at the fine print, the faux-logo says that “it’s my way or the highway.” No, no, my way is the highway. You see, recently a man who knows what grown-up municipalities are like expressed his surprise at one of our city council meetings that Moscow still had so many gravel roads. He didn’t exactly say that chickens were running across them, but you get the picture. Anyway, and sorry for the long build-up here, if I had that much money I would donate some so that our city council could afford a great leap forward and pave some of those babies. If they have time for fixing non-existent boarding house problems as they did with their recent “No Family Left Alone” Act, then surely they would appreciate the opportunity to do the work of a real city council.
7. If I had that much money I would have to hold on to it all to buy all the cigarettes my new addiction will require. I went through two whole cigarettes to make that picture, of course not inhaling as the public-spirited William Jefferson Clinton taught us, but nevertheless, I was very close to tobacco that was actually on fire and this has set in motion some insatiable cravings. They were my cigarettes, so it wasn’t really second-hand smoke, and I am starting to wheeze going up stairs now. So I would put all that money aside so I can buy enough cigs to get myself in a real state, and then sue some tobacco companies for their criminal negliance. Then I would have enough money to buy two elections.
6. If I had that much money to give the GMA, all those signs all over Moscow would have digital counters marking the time until the election, and they would all be running down the number of days, hours, minutes and seconds until the election. And all the signs would blow up when the polls closed.
5. If I had that much money, I would be able to run down to Home Depot and Costco a lot more than I do, and I would have an endless supply of cashews and pistachios in fifty pound sacks in the garage. But I don’t have the cashews or the pistachios, so I must not have that much money.
4. If I had that much money, I would have randomly bought at least two buildings downtown to see how many phone calls city hall would get.
3. If I had enough money to buy Moscow, I sure wouldn’t turn around and give it away. I would have to sell it for a tidy profit — most likely to Pullman, which is going to be needing some overflow parking acreage pretty soon. They are planning to run a shuttle from here over to Pullman to make it easier for the closest Idaho residents in Troy to spend money over there in Washington State.
2. If I had that much money I would be able to buy The Beach and put in that Confederate memorabilia museum that Moscow needs so desperately.
1. And if I had that much money, all the concrete bunkers and concertina wire would be in place at the development on North Polk. And the armory would have been done a long time ago.
Actually, no better way to summarize this whole business than by quoting The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I knew you would agree.