Dear Tyler,
It was good to meet you at the wedding last weekend, and thank you for the follow-up email. It really filled out the details of your situation. I am glad that your cousin Jill is doing well, and it is ironic that you are facing a comparable situation, only with the sexes reversed. Thank you also for having Robert write me his note, corroborating your account. Apart from you, as her brother he knows your wife better than anybody.
Let me summarize what you are up against. You’ve been married for 35 years, with some periods where it was “okay, not great” and other times when it was pretty rocky. At the same time those times of turmoil were largely kept away from the three kids, who are now all married and gone. The kids would also testify that they had a decent Christian home to grow up in, but they would also all say that they always knew that things between you and Sally were not all that great.
That said, you have two huge problems now. One is the presenting problem, the current challenge, which is the emotional turn your wife has taken since menopause. Her behavior has grown increasingly erratic, and occasionally violent. She has started to berate you on a regular basis—once or twice a week. Early on you tried to argue with her, but because it always made things worse, you soon gave up on that. Such behavior used to happen when some incident would trigger it, but now it appears that a trigger is not even necessary. To deal with all her “feels,” she started seeing a therapist, a divorced woman who regards men as a form of societal cancer. After about six months of that approach to therapy, Sally was worse at home, but more self-assured about it, like she was discovering herself finally. Coupled with all that, she started reading books that fed this particular sentimental beast, and gravitating to movies like Eat Pray Love. You haven’t had sex in years. While she is emotionally unstable at home, she remains outgoing, friendly, and well-liked at church. The only people who know anything about the troubles (from her perspective) would be three or four women in a small prayer group that Sally is part of.
Your second problem is your church, a big box evangelical squish church. You are not in a position to bring your domestic plight to the pastor or elders because you know from the sermons that your account would be coldly received. On top of that, the pastor even wrote a book on the subject of emotional abuse, a book in which the villain is always the husband, and it is a book that Sally’s therapist actually recommends. You have attended there for years but are not members, and you fit right in. Most of the attendees are not members—it is a “come as you are” church. You started attending there because Sally insisted on it, and you made the mistake of going along with that. You could only be formally disciplined if you were a member, but they haven’t disciplined anyone for anything in decades, members or not. But if they were to ever discipline someone, it would an “abusive” husband like you. Have I got it right? There is absolutely no chance that your account of your marriage troubles would ever be accepted in the circles you are currently in. For what it is worth, Robert assures me that this take on your church is a stone cold fact. He described it to me as the wokiest of churches.
In short, you are on your own. Now in a situation like this one, I believe that you have a responsibility to bring everything to a head, and that you should do so as someone who is using your brain. If you were living in a healthy Christian community, you could send up a flare and get actual pastoral help, but you know that’s not going to happen in this situation.
So what I mean by “bringing things to a head” is this. The situation is completely untenable, but you are not in a position to file for divorce. A divorce out of the blue like that makes you the villain of the piece in the eyes of pretty much everyone except Robert—maybe even your kids. But if you bring things to a head intelligently, one of two things will happen. Either she will be brought to repentance, or she will be the one who files for divorce and leaves. This is what I mean by bringing everything to a head. But as this unfolds, you need to remember that you have absolutely no obligation to try to preserve the status quo.
The first step is to get out of the current swamp of sentimentalism you are living in. Tell your wife that you are thinking that you should change churches. Tell her that it is obvious to you that your marriage is in trouble, and that you have come to the conclusion that what the two of you need to do is to find a congregation where the Bible is taught more faithfully and rigorously than it is at your current church. As it happens, you do have options. I have a friend who pastors a good Reformed Baptist church on your side of town. There is also a solid PCA church about half an hour away, and a CREC on the other side of town. Tell your wife that you have been thinking and praying about changing churches and that you would like to check out these other churches together with her.
Chances are good that she will flip out. Nothing doing, forget about it, not a chance in the world. No deal. The following Saturday, let her know that you are going to be attending one of these other churches, and she is most welcome to come with you. You will likely have another episode where she really lets you have it. No matter what happens, no matter what she says or does, the next morning you must get in your truck and drive off in order to attend a different church. She might plead, she might weep, she might accuse, she might hit you. But you must drive away, and you must do it without losing your cool. You must not lose your cool and, equally important, you must not obey her.
After a few weeks of this, you will have a “situation” in your home. You are not bringing her to your elders, or anything like that. But she might bring them in to deal with you. The chances are pretty good you might get called in for an appointment. Do not attempt to get marriage counseling from them. Simply say that you do know you have some marriage challenges, and it occurred to you that a change of churches might possibly help. Past that you are a closed door. Shrug if you need to.
This will rapidly assume the proportions of a very big deal to Sally. You are not fighting with her over anything that requires her agreement. Her agreement would be nice, but without it you can still go to church wherever you want. She, however, will be struggling with the fact that you appear to have slipped the leash. You, incidentally, will also have the same sensation, and this is because you have indeed slipped the leash. This will be a relief to you, and an existential threat to her. Things will very likely get worse at home. Just listen to her reviling, don’t argue, and don’t take the bait. Every month or so, invite her to come with you.
You have now created a tangible and very solid line which would indicate submission of some sort if she were to cross it. If she absolutely refuses, then at some point she is going to file for divorce. Because that is a possibility, in the meantime you should have configured your affairs and your finances in such a way as that neither of you would be destitute if she took that route.
The last remaining question would be this one. What about any of this could possibly make her repent? You might wonder if this could even be considered a long shot. And yes, it can be, and sometimes it works. Here’s why.
In all her ranting and in all her reviling you, the fact that you have just “taken it” has reinforced in her mind the fact that you must think you deserve it. She despises you, and has silently concluded that you must concur. Your inaction concurs. So when you finally stand up to her, when you finally “disobey,” a germ of respect—against her will most likely—begins to form. She won’t like it, and will try to suppress it, but she will finally be dealing with a man who is genuinely not cooperating with her on something. Not only so, but it is on an issue that matters symbolically to her, but would be hard for her to turn into an accusation of abuse. All you are doing is trying out another church.
She has long been operating on the assumption that she can’t respect a man she can control, and on this one issue you have become uncontrollable. It may be a long shot, but sometimes long shots go in.
Please keep me posted.
Cordially in Christ,
Douglas Wilson