If I Could Script the Hearings

“Judge Alito, I am afraid that I must come right to the point. If confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court, would you allow your personal beliefs and morals to dictate anything with regard to your behavior in office?”

“Senator, thank you for this opportunity to address this important question right away. I have had a lot of time to work through the ramifications of this question as I was preparing for this hearing. And after much meditation and prayer, I am prepared to say that I will not allow my personal beliefs to interfere in any way with my official behavior.”

“I have to say that I am gratified to hear that, judge. Would it be too much to extend your remarks to the much debated question of Roe v. Wade?”

“I suppose you could do that, although that was not what I had in mind. I was thinking more of the possibility of taking bribes. There are some cases coming up where the appellant is dripping in money. That, and the fact that I was thinking about a little sexual harassment of some of the law clerks — I have seen more than a few hotties up there, I can tell you that.”

“Um . . . Judge Alito, I think you may have gotten a little, um, off message.”

“Not at all, senator.”

“So your testimony is that you plan on taking bribes and doing a little groping?”

“Yes, senator.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Deadly serious, Senator Kennedy. But please make no mistake. Taking bribes and being unfaithful to my wife remain deeply inconsistent with my core values. Nothing about that has changed.”

“Why would you do it then?”

“To be honest, I am kind of new at this kind of thinking, and I haven’t quite got that sorted out yet. How do you do it? Maybe we could get together for coffee and I could pick up a few pointers. But I am committed to this course of action. Unless I am lying right now, which is possible, because you could consider this hearing part of my official duty, and lying is very much contrary to my deeply-held personal convictions.”

At this point in the hearings, the cable feed was cut off.

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