I Just Can’t Outwit These Guys

I would start off by saying that it is hard to type while you are wheezing, except that I am used to it, and so I am not wheezing. The news of a private venture I am involved in has hit Vision 20/20 and the fevered speculation there is almost one hundred percent wrong, as usual.

You see, I live on three acres on the north side of Moscow, and my wife and I are considering selling our place, together with our neighbors to the north and to the south of us. We approached the city with a proposal to have our land approved to be developed as a retirement community, and the legal process seeking approval has begun. If everything comes together, we would have the land developed according to the plan, sell our place, and move on. You know, as in buy another house and live somewhere else in it. Or build another place like we did this one. The kind of thing that regular people do all the time. But apparently the fact that we approached the city with a proposal to develop a pleasant retirement community struck some of our stalwart intoleristas as downright Sinister. And so, our request to the city is being spun in unique and creative ways, both here and here.

The summary of what is now being alleged against us, for those who don’t want to go read it, is that we are actually planning¬†on putting a compound here for NSA students to live on, and this shows that Dr. Atwood of NSA was telling a Lie when he said that NSA was a limited enrollment college. Our proposed development is actually the start of Wilsonville here in Moscow.

But needless to say, and I write this with solemn countenance, this proposed development has nothing whatever to do with Christ Church, NSA, gated compounds with concertina wire, snarling Rottweilers, or an eight acre sanctuary for college student Bible studies, or anything like that. We are just thinking of developing our land in a way helpful to the community generally, consistent with city goals, and so it would perhaps be erroneous to assume that the Borg has landed on our property and has begun the process of assimilation.

But to interpret this as another example of us spreading sweetness and light is not really exciting enough. So for those who like their paranoia straight, I have some speculative help. Here are five possibilities of what I really might be up to.

1. The WalMart deal on the south of town was running into stiff resistance from Moscow’s progressive elite whose interest in justice makes them think that plastic things should cost a lot more than they have to, and so corporate WalMart ordered me to have the Super WalMart put here on our land. Given my tight relationship with WalMart, I naturally acted with alacrity.

2. This is a diversionary move. I want everybody to mobilize against this project, spend a lot of time and energy shutting it down, and then, when the smoke has cleared, they will see that I have done something very Undemocratic somewhere else in town.

3. The tunnel from Anselm House to the American West bank is almost completed now, and we needed a plausible place to hide all the extra dirt.

4. I just want to sell this place so that I can figure out how to buy another house in Moscow, and move in right next door to . . . ?

5. The Food Coop found out that I was their hidden supplier of bark pudding, for I had been growing the essential ingredients right here on my acreage. But now that that lucrative income stream has been shut down by Moscow’s ever-vigilant liberals, it is time for me to just fold this operation, and go skulking around somewhere else.

Okay, enough with the paranoia, as fun as it might be. Coming back down to earth, it is worth pointing out these are people who are right at the center of the energetic group that have been beating the drum against NSA and Christ Church for the last several years. And the accuracy of their warnings here on this issue (as in, not at all) is a good marker of how careful and judicious they have been generally. I think we are almost at the point where nobody is listening.

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