Letters, High and Inside

I’m interested in your practical advice for husbands on handling disagreement with their wives. How can a husband firmly disagree, correct, or push back on something his wife is saying without responding in a way that either becomes passive or “sins all over the place” in the process?
And related to that, what practical counsel would you give a husband for responding emotionally when he feels attacked, criticized, or unfairly accused by his wife? In the moment, what should he be doing internally and externally to avoid becoming defensive or retaliatory while still being honest about what he believes is happening?
I’m less interested in the abstract principles than in what this actually looks like in the heat of the moment.
Also, this is another issue . . . My wife has told me that the way I apologize doesn’t communicate care to her in the way she needs it. (I’m trying my best to only apologize about things that God thinks I should). She mentioned some kind of “apology language” similar to the different love languages. Have you heard of this? Apparently, the way I apologize is too “judicious.” I admit wrongdoing if I have sinned against her and then ask for her forgiveness. But she is saying what she needs more in the moment of apology is an acknowledgment of how my wrong-doing affected her emotionally. And she needs to feel that I care more emotionally about it all.
I want to be the third option that you mentioned in your article about the Christian gentleman, but I feel exasperated by my wife’s emotions. I’m tempted to veer to the right side of the meme but I know that is wrong. Most of my marriage i have been the guy on the left. I don’t understand what it means to live with my wife an understanding way. Often I feel like she wants me to be both a man and a woman . . .
I loved the article you wrote on whistling by the longhouse. Best article I’ve read in a long time. I feel like I’m affected by the system way more than I even know. Trying to look for a door to get out of that thing and bring my wife and kids with me, but I’m stuck.
I’d be interested in your thoughts on the proper limits of a wife’s friendships when it comes to discussing difficulties within her marriage.
How would you distinguish between healthy female friendship, where a wife can seek encouragement, counsel, and perspective, and sharing marital struggles in a way that undermines the privacy or unity of the marriage? Are there things you think a wife ought to be able to receive from female friends specifically because they are women, and therefore are things she cannot receive in quite the same way from her husband simply because he is a man?
I’m especially interested in how you would think about this in terms of a wife’s need for other women versus the biblical priority of the husband-wife relationship. My wife doesn’t have any close female friendships because she is very guarded due to past hurts and I’m wondering if she is trying to get something from me that I can’t give simply because I am a man.
Thanks for any help.

Anon

Re: As a Gentleman Walks By the Longhouse, Whistling . . .
So we see the two memes in the article that fall into the simpleton and fool categories. Fair enough . . . self explanatory! How about giving us a meme using the third category of dwelling with your wife in biblical “understanding” when she is unhappy with us in a sinful sense for her unhappiness. Certainly, you must have a good one-liner that has worked for most occasions in your ministry.

Rob

Re ‘As a gentleman walks by the longhouse, whistling’:
Thank you for noting that egalitarianism requires strong enforcement / because it is unnatural (anti-realistic; insane) and reality keeps trying to pop out.
And of course the Enforcers are not exactly equal to the enforcees.
(Dankwart Rustow made the basic point, that egalitarianism requires a non-equal Equalizer, in his Freedom and Domination—which I do NOT especially recommend; not bad but not great for most people—somewhere near page 265 of the one-volume version, in a very insightful paragraph. That reality keeps popping up and that’s why ‘egalitarianism’ needs a strong enforcer is a very worthwhile extension.
Maybe care to expand sometime on how to tell godly dominance from excessive dominance? (I suspect self-satisfaction=pride.)
For example, it’s clear from the New Testament that church officers should exist, though some churches might lack them at times (Paul told Timothy to appoint elders in every church, so apparently there were churches without elders.) Overseers should oversee. It is not at all clear to me that they need to do all the baptizing and Lord’s Suppers: union-rule eldership. The only time Jesus addressed union-rule-ism, He rejected it: Don’t tell that non-apostle to stop casting out demons in My Name.

Andrew

I like most of the content of this letter, but have to point out the one falsehood. There is nothing in the Bible about church membership and you can certainly apply church discipline to someone who is attending your church and is not a member. Paul was counseling discipline long before there was church membership. This was a concept that was started in the 1600s because the government started demanding it, which is why the 1644 LBC doesn’t address it but the 1689 LBC does. When I attend a church I put myself under the authority of the elders in the jurisdiction God has given them. So they can discipline me for sin or they could ask me to not enter the building (since they have been given authority by the congregation to manage the building affairs). The church is called to discipline Christians, not members.

Lance

RE: The Longhouse.
Thank you so much, Doug, for giving me the term “servant lordship.” Where has this term been all my life? That is what the text in John actually says. Using this term (to be charitable) addresses the concern that those of us who use the term “servant leadership” in good faith and in accordance with the Word of God are trying to get at, without falling into the machismo overreaction that is equally disgusting, in response to the real issues of weak men listening to women when they should be leading.
Sarah called Abraham lord according to Peter. We should do likewise. God also came to Abraham in a dream re Ishmael and said, in so many words, Sarah is right, listen to her. We should do likewise. As always, the Word of God strikes the perfect balance, and that is the one I want to strike too.

JP

I’ve benefited from and agree with the vision of masculinity, husbandry, and marriage you articulate in Reforming Marriage and Fidelity. However, I find myself nearly overwhelmed by my inability to move toward actualization. I recently listened to your post “A Gentleman Whistling Past the Longhouse” about how it’s difficult for a man who’s been a doormat to learn to stand up without sinning. Could you say more about how he can learn to start standing up?
You mention owning responsibility for your sins and your family’s sins (not fault, but responsibility). This has been my aim. However, it’s still mighty difficult to think clearly when a conversation turns into a chess match and then the squares start to blur into each other as your memory of the presenting issue becomes less clear. The two virtues of humility and courage start to look like two horns of a dilemma, cowardice and anger. How do I learn to navigate out of this dilemma?

Michael

What works are good out there on conscience? I remember you recommending one on the Plodcast, but I can’t remember what it was.
Peace,

Charles

I am dating a wonderful Christian girl. In the course of our courtship, it has become apparent that one of us (me) can cook, and the other (her) struggles with that (I’m still not sure yet if it’s a “can’t” or a “doesn’t want to” . . . I don’t think it’s a “won’t”.)
In the course of my singleness I have had occasion to learn how to follow basic recipes out of pure survival instinct, and the result has been a pleasant discovery that some of that has turned out to be rather palatable..I don’t particularly enjoy cooking as a hobby, but I also value eating a good meal, so it’s not a huge deal for me to cook, it’s just something I’d prefer not to have to do ALL the time.
So my question is this: looking at a prospective marriage, is it okay for the husband to sort of be the primary cook of the home? Or should that prospect cause me more concern than what I have now?

AC

Do you consider Gluttony and Sloth (i.e. eating to excess, avoiding exercise) to be Deadly Sins? 2) How does your wife stay so fit? Do you ever wonder about the contrast between you two? God gave us these bodies to take care of.

Mike

I was wondering if you had any recommendations for commentaries for the book of Isaiah. I come to the Isaiah every year during my Bible in a year plan and every year I think I need to take a deeper dive.
I appreciate it.

Steve

I have loved your work for the last few years. You’re incredibly intelligent and articulate. However, whomever captured you to carry water for Rothschildistan are the enemies of GOD and they have turned you away from Christ.
You need to repent.

Bill

I was reading the blog on American ethnicity. A few verses sprung to mind and I just pop some in here as examples
“Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.”—1 Peter 4:9
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me.”—Matthew 25:35
“Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”—Luke 6:38
“But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”—Matthew 6:3-4
“And he answered them, ‘Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise.’”—Luke 3:11
I understand that the USA has had a lot of migrants, indeed there would be very few people in the USA were it not for five centuries of immigration, some good, some not so good for the immigrants ( shall we say the black slaves) and for the residents (perhaps the native indigenous people). Perhaps if the indigenous people had had a stronger attitude towards dodgy immigrants history might have been different.
I appreciate that immigration is seen as a problem nowadays for various reasons, but what concerns me is that although I have read the article in what I perceive as a Christian publication (Is that the correct word) the underlying feel of the argument and the attitudes expressed fall rather short of what I consider a genuinely Christian standpoint or heartfelt belief in the goodness of all people. Sadly it rather smacks of the worst excesses of a poorly-run Republican administration that is damaging the standing of the US across the free world and encouraging less dialogue with other faiths and cultures.
I may be wrong and you will convince me with excellent arguments that do not depend on rhetorical flourishes. I am listening.
Yours sincerely and most interestedly

Lewis

We live in a small town and have been part of a church for a number of years. We have loved it, been sanctified through it, have seen our extended family come to faith and attend with us, and it represents nearly all of the community we (and our kids) have here. Our church family is wonderful and the teaching has been excellent.
Lately we have grown concerned with the black pilling of a large portion of the men, including a majority of our plurality of elders. Think Dale Partridge, Antelope Hill, Nick Fuentes, Joel Webbon, etc. This isn’t coming out from the pulpit (yet) but it seems to dominate conversation otherwise.
We’ve seen almost all of the older men leave within the last year, although the reasons stated were more generically summed up as “can no longer submit to the elders.”
We feel sick at the thought of leaving. Perhaps there’s a church nearby that would be a good option, but we don’t know of one. The nearest known solid option is an hour away. We are plagued with doubts—are we staying just to make life easier? Or are we staying because there is no perfect church and we just need to make the best of it where we are at (without backing down on our principles)? We’ve differed on other small issues and have been able to cheerfully cover those with charity, but this feels different.
We worry there will be collateral damage; we haven’t voiced our concerns to others to avoid gossip, but are unsure how to leave (if that’s the right answer) in a peaceful way, while answering the inevitable questions from those we are close to. Where do you draw the line on what constitutes no longer staying? Do we leave without knowing where we’d go and just trust the Lord to provide?

Conflicted

I have a family of 5 kids. We live comfortably within our means with a little bit of expendable income. However, we also qualify for wic, snap, and medicaid benefits.
I am torn on the morality of taking advantage of those government offerings. Obviously it would help our bottom-line, especially with groceries and medical bills. But I also feel like I am only “feeding the beast” of big government by accepting handouts that I don’t necessarily need. Any recommendations on thinking through a Christian approach to these programs?
Thanks,

Bill

As someone who loves America in a way but rejects some of the founding ideals, I would, with room for disagreement, argue it is more family and ethnicity than the ideals. But I’ll admit it is colored by my experience. It is right and good to love family who have different political views than you, even if they have questionable lifestyles and whether they are Christians or not. I love my relatives, even the ones I’m not at all sure know Jesus or who have been led into bad lifestyles and/or politics I have strong feelings against, far more than most church people. In Britain, I felt that the people there had more in common with me than the blacks here, even the ones who I like, and all the (white) British people I met treated me much better than many (though not all) black Americans have, including some who had the appearance of being highly religious Christians. And on a somewhat happier note, I think you would agree that, even if I agreed with almost every word of the constitution and declaration of independence, an English monarchist who loves Jesus, or for that matter a German or Finnish social Democrat who loves Jesus, would have much more in common with me than a black American conservative who didn’t know Jesus. It is more complicated whether a Vietnamese American Christian or an English agnostic would have more in common with me, and I am not at all suggesting that certain races should be expelled or lose their citizenship. But I feel that, overtime, Americaness has become meaningless, partly because it has been reduced to ideals, and maybe a location. I would like to know how much we stand on common ground here.

James

I was reading the book of Job, and I came across the part where Satan, in answering Yahweh’s question as to his whereabouts, says he was “roaming about on the earth and walking around on it.” This got me thinking about Satan’s “daily doings” and how the earth is his dwelling of sorts, or so it seems to me. Forgive my question as I am sometimes hopelessly confused about these things, but first, what is the Bible’s view on Satan’s place in history let’s say BC, AD (in other words: now), and in the future ultimately? For instance, Satan seemed to have a certain measure of power back in Job’s day. Is that true? And if so, does he still have such a measure today, or perhaps less so? And what, if any, were the consequences on Satan as a result of the death and resurrection of Jesus? Lastly, this “roaming about on the earth and walking around it” got me thinking about Lewis’ Out of the Silent Planet and Perelandra and if Satan would have a place in a non-earth civilization, like on Mars for instance which seems like a likely future reality. Or when it comes to Satan is it not so much about the rock but the sinners on the rock which causes it to be his dwelling? A flurry of questions I know; answer however you seem fit.

A confused brother

As you’re discussing the differences between the sexes and marriage and the like—and as my church is similarly doing a teaching series on the biblical principles around family—I think I’ve come up with a great analogy for the differences in focus that each partner brings to the marriage. You’ve pointed out that Adam’s eyes are on the mission and Eve’s on Adam, and I think a great analogy is that of a military pilot and his chief mechanic.

Ian

I hope you are doing well. I would like to know how Christians really ought to think about ethnicity. The reason I ask is that I’m a product of (what the internet bros like to call) an “unideal marriage,” or a marriage with two different ethnicities represented. I “resonate,” I suppose, with both cultures, but I also grew up an American in a certain part of a certain state. I sometimes feel more like I am from that certain geographical and cultural group’s “ethnicity,” as it were. Other times, I “relate” more to one of those two ethnic groups in the way I see the world, reason, and react to things, etc.
Growing up, most people would say that one’s parents’ ethnic backgrounds didn’t matter; all that matters is that you’re a Christian. I can agree to an extent, but there must be a reason the Lord made us with these ethnic realities. If so, what is the proper way to understand this, and how ought we to go forward?

ON

Shushed by the Moderator
Thanks for encouraging us, Pastor Doug. This is just one example of common sense well said when we needed to hear it. Posts and podcasts like this one changed my husband’s life before we were married, and the work that you and your family have done continue to teach us both. Thank you for inspiring us to fight well and make our local churches and families stronger—for God’s glory and His big story.

Abby

To the esteemed Editor,
Thought I’d throw this your way . . . I trust the boys at Canon+ will let you know if its worth reacting to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwYzhKZD4Bk&t=355s
Until my next question, sincerely yours,

Jonathan