Here are the top ten reasons why I am beyond delighted that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize:
10. Because this means that the Vatican must have verified that reports of the president floating around the top of the Washington monument were reports of a genuine miracle, and were not a deceitful trick by the devil.
9. Because the prize was funded and named after the inventor of dynamite, and it has ever been the destiny of this prize to be wreathed in ironies, the same way a smoking tank is after it runs over one of Nobel’s inventions. So this just continues a long and honored legacy.
8. Because there is no apparent reason for the prize, this must mean that the committee is inviting all of us to assign our own meanings to it — and so I would submit that Obama got it for continuing the Bush policies of rendition, roving wiretaps, indefinite detention of accused terrorists, urging continuation of the Patriot Act, and so forth.
7. Because the prize did not go to David Letterman, it shows that the Nobel committee does in fact have its limits. But on the down side, it also shows they are willing to go right up to those limits.
6. Because it means that intelligent liberals won’t know which way to look for at least a couple months.
5. Because this shows that our secular civilization’s great awards now have about the same value as the Montessori preschool participant ribbons in a block-stacking contest.
4. Because this is yet further testimony to the deep affinity that necessarily exists between awards and their recipients, kind of like rich little old ladies and their poodles. In this case that affinity is the shared characteristic of being as hollow and as shiny as one of those over-sized vases at Pottery Barn.
3. Because this is a boon to American conservatism almost as great as if Obama won People‘s Sexiest Man Alive award. This morning, as the news spread across red state America, that noise you heard was howls of delight, happy applause, bloggers typing, cheerful sharing, and gladsome whoops.
2. Because American narcissism is never fulfilled until Euro-weenies join in the applause, which means we might be almost done now.
1. Because soft tyranny can always be effectively fought with the horse laugh. And soft tyrannies never understand this. And on they go, as solemn as a judge. You know, provoking us.