The World’s Last Conservative Cook

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Once there was a man who didn’t believe in flipping hamburgers when he was barbequing. As a result, his wife didn’t ask him to cook very often, but sometimes he would just volunteer, and then, there everybody was. The result of his unique approach was, of course, that either a hamburger was charred on one side and done on the other, or done just right on one side and raw on the other.

When asked about it, he would give vague answers about how his father used to flip the burgers, and they were always overdone, and how his father was a difficult man. If pressed on the point, he would just get huffy. He was sometimes heard muttering that there was no point in what he called all this mindless changing around, all this flip-flopping.

Just do one thing, he might say, and do it well. The retort was that there is a great difference between well done and well done, if you follow, but people hardly ever got to make that point, at least not out loud. This man was really set in his ways, and saw all forms of changing back and forth as a denial of true conservatism, as a form of creeping relativism.

He was the world’s last true conservative cook, and it was a sign of the times that nobody would ever eat his food.

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