In the course of His ministry on earth, the Lord Jesus taught us that we were to learn how to accept kingdom disruptions. We are supposed to learn how to rejoice at the arrival of kingdom inversions.
Jesus taught that the way to become great in the kingdom was by becoming least in the kingdom. He taught that the way to the head of the line was to go to the back of the line. Up is down, and down is up. He taught that the way into adult wisdom was to embrace the faith of a child. Out is in, and in is out. In this stipulated theological sense, the hokey-pokey is what it’s all about—but only in this stipulated sense. To take it any further than that would disrupt the solemnity of the occasion.
So in that spirit, I want to begin with something heavy, so that we may, at the invitation of Christ, move to the direct consequence of it, which is the ease of His yoke and the lightness of His burden (Matt. 11:30). If you were to pick up His yoke, heft it in your hands to evaluate whether you wanted to put it on, it would seem intolerably heavy to you. But actually put it on, and you will laugh at the relief.
This is what Christian marriage seems like in the hands: “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).
Whoa. This is not what we usually mean by “focus on the family.” This is a call to discipleship that necessarily relativizes marriage and family. It contextualizes marriage and family, but it does so without annihilating it. It places marriage in the light of eternity. Matthew clarifies for us what was meant in the parallel passage. “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matt. 10:37). In other words, we are to love Christ so much that every other love pales in comparison. But something strange then happens. The love that pales in comparison actually become vivid and bright. What do I mean?
There are two kinds of marriages in this world. There are marriages which accept the disruptions caused by the arrival of Christ’s kingdom, and there are marriages which try to resist, in one way or another, the disruptions of that kingdom. Those which accept the disruptions are—with true gospel irony—stable families. Those that try to fight off the disruptions are in constant turmoil. Up is down and down is up.
So love for God and love for your spouse is not a zero sum game—not unless you turn it into one by idolatry. It is not the case that the more love God gets, the less there is left over for everybody else. The more we render love to God, the more He multiplies it in us for others. Bring your five loaves and two fish to Him, and He will feed multitudes with it. Refuse to bring it to Him, and all you have for your spouse is some dry bread and two-day old fish.
A man who loves Jesus first and his wife second is a man whose wife is going to receive a lot more love than if he foolishly puts her first. A woman who honors Jesus first and her husband second is a wife whose husband is going to receive far more respect than if she vainly attempted to make him the first object of her respect. There is no way to make an idol of your spouse without ripping off your spouse. This is because idolaters don’t know what love means, and they don’t know what respect is.
That’s the heavy part. We look at it, we feel the weight of it, and we say yikes. But let’s put this thing on and see what happens. Picture the vows we are going to say in just a moment as this colossal-looking thing that stretches all the way across the two of you, and then some. It is scary looking. That yoke looks like a railroad tie.
But what does Jesus say? “And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel’s, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life. But many that are first shall be last; and the last first” (Mark 10:29–31).
Christ does promise something in the afterlife here—eternal life—but note that what He promises first is blessings one hundredfold in this life. Those who do what He required in Luke will receive what He promised in Mark. This is what comes from taking your vows in the Lord. This is what comes as a result of putting these vows on, as you are just about to do, in true evangelical faith.
Sam, there is a spiritual alchemy in all of this. The lead weight of the vows of obligation becomes, sola fide, the gold of delight. You are about to enter into a marriage that will be characterized by laughter, joy, mirth, and kindness. But in order to get to that laughter, we must have the joke first. This can be taken wrong, and the humorless always do take it wrong, but that should not even slow us down. So what is the joke? The answer is that, on the resurrection side, our death was. From this side, death is terrible and foreboding. It is the great enemy. But on the other side, we will all laugh and say really? So those who are great in the kingdom take the truth seriously, but never themselves. Jesus went to the cross for the joy that was set before Him. Husbands are particularly summoned to imitate Him in this. We should do it for the same reason—and in your case, for the joy to your immediate left.
Grace, you have been given to Sam. Your father gave you away, and this was an earthly ritual meant to show that you actually are a gift from God. “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord” (Prov. 18:22). You are God’s favor to Sam. You are God’s gift to Sam. You are a present. Your name is Grace, and you are what your name says you are. And so here is your charge. Act like it. Live it out. The goodness you will bring him can be quiet and understated, and doesn’t need to be raucous or flamboyant. You should smile for your husband a lot because you are the smile of God for your husband. Give yourself to the cultivation of a durable affection. In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis said, “Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our natural lives.” That way you will be grace for the long haul.
And for the two of you together, this is all based on gospel foundations. God has visited us with His kindness in Christ Jesus, and He has given us the privilege of reenacting that kindness in what we are beginning here today.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen.