INTRODUCTION:
One of the hardest lessons for an egalitarian age to learn is the necessary lesson of honor. But this honor must not be carnal—we are called to render honor as understood in a biblical and Christian way. This directly affects how husbands and wives are to grow old together.
THE TEXTS:
“Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the Lord”
(Lev. 19: 32). “The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness” (Prov. 16:31).
OVERVIEW:
As men and women grow old together, the natural response that many have is the response of pity. The elderly can’t “keep up” anymore, and are thought of as society’s stragglers. Sometimes this comes out in exasperation, and other times in pity, but the root assumption is the same. But a biblical approach would suggest that the elderly among us are in the vanguard, and are not the stragglers. Death really is an enemy (1 Cor. 15: 55), and all of us will one day rise. But before we rise, we will die, and Death really is an enemy, but it is a city that we are besieging, and the elderly among us are at the top of our siege ladders, and will go over the top of the wall first. And the dead in Christ will rise first (1 Thess. 4:16), then those who are alive.
This is why we honor the elderly—the foundational response we are to have toward them is that of honor. This honor is to be externally expressed by standing when a gray head enters the room, and by honoring the face of the elderly. This is part of what it means to fear God. But like everything else in this fallen world (given the presence of sin), it is not automatic. A gray head is a crown of glory—provided that gray head is found in the way of righteousness (Prov. 16:31). Now let us relate this to marriage. Children are taught to honor their father and mother in their advanced years (Mk. 7: 9-13), and this honor toward two gray heads is to be practical and tangible. Further, it cannot be trumped by some false sense of spirituality.
MARRIAGE AND GROWN CHILDREN:
We have a tendency to separate family issues in a systematic way—marriage issues on the one hand and children/parent issues on the other. But ultimately, in covenant life, these things can be distinguished, but not separated. This means that parents have a responsibility to bring their children up in such a way that they learn what it means to honor father and mother (Eph. 6: 1-4). Little children render honor through cheerful obedience. Grown children render it, among other things, through practical support (Mk. 7: 9-13).
Now the fundamental way your children learn how to honor you the way they are supposed to is the same way we learn all valuable lessons. They learn by watching you with your parents. Honor demanded downstream is a poor substitute for honor rendered upstream. A husband and wife should say, “We should honor our parents so that it will go well with our children.” They ought not say, “Our children should honor their parents so that it will go well with us.” This may seem just like a slight difference, but it is the distance between heaven and hell. If you are given to excuses and rationalizations with regard to your parents, do you really think there will be no such excuses available thirty years from now? Having said this, it is also important to remember the ever-present issue of principles and methods. Sometimes constant medical care is necessary, for example, and a nursing home is unavoidable. But all faithful family members should be able to tell at a glance the difference between abandoned and loved, and all outsiders should remember the difference between having all the facts and not having them.
FINANCES:
We must always remember the difference between general principles and requirements that apply to each believer, head for head. As part of the moral law, all believers are to avoid adultery. As a general principle, a man should provide for his own household (unless providentially hindered). Scripture tells us that a man must provide for his household (1 Tim. 5: 8). The Bible tells us that a righteous man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children (Prov. 13: 22). The apostle Paul points to the same general reality when he said that he did not want to be burdensome to the Corinthians — “for I seek not yours, but you: for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children” (2 Cor. 12: 14).
EXPERIENCE AND WISDOM:
Being married happily is a skilled art. And when you are young you might believe you can afford to be “a little off.” But two lines a quarter of an inch apart on your first anniversary can be three yards apart by your fiftieth. Time alone does not solve that kind of problem. All the issues we have been addressing in this series on marriage are issues that (unresolved) can only be accentuated over time: bitterness, lust, abdication, usurpation, and so on. Feeding the cockroaches is not a good long-term strategy, even if they spend most of their time out of sight behind and under the cupboards.
Older women are expected to know how to live with a man, and they should be able to pass that wisdom on (Tit. 2: 4). In a similar way, elders should know how to manage a household well (1 Tim. 3: 4). Living this way in wisdom is something the men and women can know how to do. Some know, and some do not. Those who do not know how to live this way (which includes some old people, and all young people) are obligated as Christian disciples to learn how. And this is not accomplished by simply doing “what comes naturally.” This is a fallen world, and sin comes naturally. So do divorces.
CONTENTMENT IS FOR LIFE:
The Bible teaches that old age is not for sissies (Ecc. 12: 1-7). Various afflictions come with old age, and the Scriptures teach us what to do in the course of all afflictions. We are to rejoice and be grateful (Phil. 4: 11-13). In the intimacy of marriage, your spouse will know the most about what you are having to deal with, and should know the most about your joy when you meet with these various trials (James 1: 2ff). And one of the reasons we experience so many of these afflictions on such a wide scale is that so many of us today are living so much longer. We are now discovering all kinds of old people problems—and even this should be grounds for gratitude.