Marriage as Manifest Glory XIX

Introduction:

Learning is awkward. Even assuming good motives, and a desire to learn, and no rebellion against God’s pattern, there are still difficulties. G.K. Chesterton once said that the “chief object of education is not to learn things but to unlearn things.” Couple this with the fact that what we must unlearn is frequently what we have assumed to be virtuous, and the magnitude of the problem becomes apparent.

THE TEXTS:

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7).

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands . . .” (Tit. 2:4).

OVERVIEW:

In these texts, we find the common element of learning or study. The husband is commanded to live with his wife according to knowledge (1 Pet. 3:7). In Titus, the older women are required to teach the younger women on how, among other things, to be husband-lovers (Tit. 2:4). Putting this in very simple terms, husbands are commaned to be students of their wives, and wives are commanded to be students of their husbands. Being a husband or a wife is a high vocational calling, and you would not walk into any lesser job or vocation with no expectation of needing to be trained.

COUNTERINTUITIVE:

Something that good teachers have in common is that they know how to anticipate what the student thinks he needs to do, and show him what he must do instead of that. This is true whether you are learning to play the guitar, drive a car, or do a math problem. What feels intuitively right falls under the heading of what your coach calls a “common mistake.” It is no different in learning how to live with a man. It is no different in learning how to live with a woman.

LEARNING IS AWKWARD:

Last week we considered the difficulties involved in fighting against sin. We are not forgetting that here, but rather assuming it. Even if you succeed in keeping the weeds from growing three feet high, and even if you diligently respond to each appearance of new weeds, there are additional difficulties in growing a garden. If you don’t deal with sin, you will never have the privilege of getting to those additional difficulties.

Apart from sin, why can learning to live with your spouse be awkward? There are several things to keep in mind here. One is that men and women think and respond differently. Another is that different individuals and personalities think and respond differently. Another is that many of us have not been taught well in this regard, and so we do the wrong thing, assuming it to be the right thing. And yet another is that we are impatient with the process—but making a bottle of fine wine is a very different thing than mixing up a jug of fruit juice.

UNDERSTANDING AWKWARDNESS:

Taking all these things into account, here are some biblical principles that will enable you to embrace the difficulties as part of what God has designed for you, and to embrace them wisely, and not as some kind of a masochist.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint:

keep your eye on the goal, and have a realistic view of what the goal actually is. “Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby” (Heb. 12:11).

Imputing motives is a bad idea:

because you are different, it does not work well to reason thusly—“If I had done something like that, my motives would have been thus and such. He did that. Therefore, his motives were thus and such.” Telepathy in marriage doesn’t work any better than it does anywhere else. “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Prov. 20:5).

Question your hidden assumptions about what constitutes being a godly spouse:

For example, many men simply assume that since they are to love their wives, the way they should demonstrate this is by working 80 hours a week to make a good income for them. Bad idea. And many women think that since God gave her to him as a helpmeet, she must therefore be the chairman of the Reform Committee. Equally bad idea. “. . . man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live” (Dt. 8:3).

Don’t confound arguing with your spouse with arguing with reality: many marital frustrations and squabbles are quarrels with gravity, and not quarrels with sin. Because of our frustration with gravity, we too often project sin on to the other person. This happens when a man yells at his wife because he has to change a flat tire. This happens when a wife is sharp with her husband because her best friend’s husband in Oklahoma cheated on her.

Differences are not an insult: we are Trinitarians, and one of the chief blessings that should come out of this is the ability to enjoy one another for being other. Too often we only want superficial differences, and we want to enjoy those, but we do not want the differences that go all the way down to the bone. Men enjoy the fact that their wives are physiologically different, but don’t like the fact that their entire mental and emotional framework is also different. Men too often want a man’s brain in a woman’s body. But women do the same thing—someone who is tough and manly on the outside, but with a heart made of goo pudding. Embracing differences out of Trinitarian principle includes both gender differences and personality differences. “That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me” (John 17:21).