Coming of Age/Life Between the Sexes #1

Introduction

We live in a community where the idea of courtship has taken root to such an extent that it is a widespread community assumption. It is not a church “rule,” or anything like that, but there is generally widespread agreement that parents have an important role to play in the way young men and young women begin to take an interest in one another, and in the way they pair off. 

But one of the negative effects of this widespread assumption is that it has become possible for young people to just do whatever they feel like doing, and to call it courtship. The same with parents. What I want to do in this short series of messages is outline some basic principles that are related to “life between the sexes,” and I want to address these comments directly to the young people. Parents, of course, are invited to listen in. You younger children, just enjoy yourselves for now. 

The Text

“That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; That our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace:” (Psalm 144:12).

Summary of the Text

In the first part of Psalm 144, the God of victory secures a great deliverance for His people. In the aftermath of that deliverance, one of the things that follows is that our sons and daughters will grow up into maturity. So what will the peace that comes after this victory be like? The psalmist expects that our sons will be strong and sturdy, like well-rooted plants (v. 12), and that our daughters will be the sort of cornerstones you would find in a palace (v. 12). In short, he anticipates that our sons would be strong and brave, and that our daughters would be crucial and beautiful.

What We Are Up Against

Manhood is where boyhood should be aimed. Womanhood is where girlhood should be aimed. Scripture describes these two categories as foundational, embedded in the creation order, and as being the direct handiwork of God—man and woman were created to bear the image of God. 

But we live in a time of high rebellion. If there is no God, then there is no such thing as the image of God. And if that is the case, then we have the apparent liberty to “invent ourselves.” We can stamp our own images on whatever this is. And this is how we got to the chaotic and shambolic place where nobody knows for sure what a woman is, or what a man is. Where we have landed, that being the case, is that boyhood is aimed at the laziness of “whatever,” and girlhood is aimed at manhood.

Our culture, by dint of its propaganda, wants to dull the ambitions of young boys, steering them into the lifestyle of a drone or a tree sloth. A cool, detached, and ironic tree sloth, but still a pretty inert substance. Stuff them into a pod, and feed them games, cannabis, and porn. And this same culture wants young girls to be sassy, a real handful, a girl boss, and if possible, a fighter pilot.

By What Standard?

You have probably heard me say before that a young man should strive to become the kind of man that the kind of girl he would want to marry would want to marry. And a young woman should strive to become the kind of woman that the kind of man she would want to marry would want to marry. But take care. There are some hidden values here, embedded in these statements. The “kind of woman.” The “kind of man.” By what standard? It would be possible to take that metric—“become the kind of person . . .”—and strive to become a worthless individual because you would like to marry a worthless individual. By what standard?

So a young man should define the kind of woman he wants to marry biblically. And so the kind of man that that woman would want will be a biblical man. And so he gives himself over to Bible study. What kind of man is that?

The same process is what the young woman should be going through. What do the Scriptures require? If you were to ask her, “what kind of man do you want to marry?” and she answers, “tall, dark, rich, and Reformed,” she is probably not doing the requisite work properly.

Where Boyhood Should be Aimed

It is not as though God has been silent on what He wants from young men.

Young men should strive to be sensible. Titus was to set an example for them, and he did this through a pattern of good works, pure doctrine, stability, honesty, and wholesome speech. Young men, calluses are necessary. Be informed Christians, which means doctrine. Be done with excuses, shifts and evasions. They are not honest. Growing up into maturity means growing up into the right kind of hardness.

Where Girlhood Should be Aimed

And God has not withheld His will from young women either.

The first two qualities are compound words: husband-lovers and children-lovers. I would render this as “into-family.’ They are to be discrete—not loud and brassy. They are to be chaste, and as a corollary, they should look chaste. If she is not that kind of girl, she shouldn’t be advertising what’s not for sale. She should be skilled in domestic arts. She should be good, and she should be teachable and submissive. Femininity should be cultivated. She ought not to be soft in a goopy kind of Madeleine Basset way—she should want to be a two-bucket woman. 

But growing up into maturity means growing up into the right kind of softness.

The Purpose of Marriage

What is the chief end of marriage? It is the same as the chief end of man, which the Shorter Catechism describes wonderfully. The point of our marriages is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever. God is glorified in our marriages when we are true companions to one another, when we are privileged to raise up godly children, and when we help one another resist the temptations of sexual deviance.

This is a target that is not all that easy to hit. And so the first item of business is to start practicing now.