For those just joining us, LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trangender, and the proclamation can be found here. On another note, lgbt is the noise I make in the back of my throat whenever very solemn people do things like this.
But here are ten reasons to be grateful for the small mercies at any rate. We should be grateful . . .
10. That, despite the glowing rhetoric, nobody appears to have noticed that equal rights for bisexuals means that such marriages (when we get there) would have to have a minium of three copulating units. So the good news is that President Obama is still guilty of hate-criming the bisexuals. And imagine my astonishment that he is doing this legally. And nobody pushing this seems to be aware of how filled with hate they all still are.
9. That this happened at a time when we have an example to follow as we craft our responses. All we have to say is that we think a wise heterosexual, having lived that life, should be able to make better judgments than someone who hasn’t had the richness of that experience. That’s all.
8. That Walker Percy and Flannery O’Connor have gone to be with the Lord. If they were still here writing their fiction, the head-bending that would have to go into them now would be beyond my capacity to bear.
7. That the longer this kind of thing prevails, the more it should become apparent that in Washington we now have the governmental equivalent of professional wrestling; more specifically, we have the governmental equivalent of VEGAS Xtreme SMACKdown.
6. That they are unwittingly paving the way for the legalization of polygamy, which will prove to be the basis for the rebuilding of the Republican Party. Then watch out.
5. That the president issued this proclamation while at the same time holding to the same position on gay marriage as recently articulated by the winsome Miss California, thus showing in yet another way that he is filled to the brim with thought crimes and all manner of evil.
4. That this came about when the Democrat in charge of shuffling the sexual deck was named Obama and not Clinton. Since National Do-Whatever-You-Feel-Like-This-Minute Week is now an inevitability, just imagine the repercussions had it happened with the Lecher-in-Chief in the White House — the central problem being that the Europeans would finally think we had arrived.
3. That they had the foresight to press these issues in the midst of an economic downturn. Sexual energies are powerful when harnessed, and suppose, say, the nation’s shoe manufacturers are languishing. All you have to do is proclaim National Footwear Fetish Week, and bam! there you are, back in the game.
2. That the president is clearly hearing Dick Cheney’s footsteps everywhere. On foreign policy certainly, but now that the former VP has declared himself a tolerance-monger on gay marriage, Obama is getting chased down the road by him on this issue as well. You can cluck at both of them with moral disapproval all you want, but the entertainment value is still high.
1. That they are working us into this slowly. September as it turns out is Screw the Pooch Month, but the American people won’t be ready for that for, oh, weeks yet.