Kinkytime

I had a pastor friend ask me about a web site called Christian Nymphos, designed to liberate the heck out of everybody. I looked at it and replied to him that it looked “kind of creepy in a sad people kind of way.” And that set off a line of reasoning that I thought I might share with you all.

This line of thought does not involve whether “this” or “that” is lawful in the marriage bed. Last year I devoted some time to that question in my discussion of Real Marriage. The summary is that I do not believe that marriage is an all-purpose disinfectant, such that anything goes, provided you are married (to the person you are doing it with). Paul tells the Thesslonians that they needed to learn how to possess their vessel in a way that was distinct from how the pagans went at it (1 Thess. 4:4). So I assume in all this that there are sexual boundaries that ought not to be crossed, whether or not you are married. I also assume that this line is not where an old guard Victorian harridan might draw it, and it certainly not where these unhappy folks do. But that is not the point here.

The point is that sex involves people, and this means that it also involves all the things that drive and motivate people. The sex drive is not an isolated system within the body, like the air conditioning system in your car. And this means that there are very complicated answers to questions about why something might be a “turn on” to somebody.

In other words, sexual questions are not just questions about this position or that one. Those who have concerns about this kind of development among Christians, as I do, are often challenged as though they are advocating the “missionary position or nothing.” But rather, the question I am raising deals with the whole person.

Think of it this way. We all know people who, out in public, say and do things that reveal and indicate all sorts of emotional pathologies — narcissism, vanity, insecurity, self-loathing, envy, exhibitionism, malice, self-absorbtion, and so on. With the advent of Facebook, you can, if you like, see a regular parade of it on your computer screen.

Now these people have sex lives. What would make us think that these qualities would simply evaporate just because they are now between the sheets? No, sexual expression amplifies what you are, not the opposite, and sad people generally are sad people in bed.

In other words, someone who is drawn to this kind of kinkytime ought to be willing to ask themselves a fundamental question about it — and “where does the Bible say I can’t?” is not that question. The question concerns why you are drawn to it. Instead of asking about the sexual use of mirrors, for example, the best use of time would be to ask whether there is a corresponding misuse of every mirror you walk past during the day when sex has nothing to do with it.

Vanity has sex. Insecurity has sex. Self-loathing has sex. Rivalry has sex. Exhibitionism has sex. Suppose in a counseling session someone demanded that I tell them “why they can’t do that,” as though it were a simple matter of mechanics, I would reply that we had gotten ahead of ourselves. “Tell me why you want to do that, and then we can talk about whether it is a good idea. Tell me about your relationship with your father.” If she bursts into tears at that point, I trust you see that what she is doing in bed with her husband is driven by forces that neither she nor her husband comprehend. If she has been made to feel worthless her entire life by her father, the way out will not include a husband pressuring her into degrading practices that whores would make him pay extra for.

I have often said, whereever you go, there you are. This applies at bedtime. Whenever you go, there you are.

One other thing should be said here. As our public culture gets increasingly brazen in its screwed-up-ness, we are often confronted with very public displays of people with obvious emotional problems, Christians included, and the few people remaining who have what used to be called “manners” are not in a position to say very much about it. The kind of emotional problems I am talking about can be directly addresed (perhaps) by a wise counselor or a very close friend. They may be directly viewed by just about everybody. As days go by, the gap between those who can talk about it and those who can see it grows wider and wider, and this leads to even greater cultural dislocations.

And then, when it becomes acceptable for someone to start publicly praising Christian Nymphos, our generation’s Total Woman, if you catch the reference, it is very difficult to state the real reason you object to it. The real reason is that you don’t want to have sex the way needy buckets do. But you can’t bring that up in the discussion because the reality of who is being a needy bucket is the great unstated major premise.