Dear IRS Friends . . .

Dear IRS Friends,

Thank you for your recent letter requesting that I, as the owner of Earl’s Transmission and Repair, meet together with one of your representatives for the purpose of conducting an audit of our business records. As you must know, this is the kind of request we love to receive, but since it is a busy season for us, we must review the situation so that we may conduct the process in the most satisfactory way possible. Having received this notice just three weeks after I accepted the post of treasurer for the East Wasatch Tea Party, I have had to field a number of questions from interested friends, and I am sure you are as concerned about getting complete answers to those questions as I am.

We are not sure what brought it on, but over the last month or so, I have seen a number of representatives of your agency on television saying that “regaining the trust” of the American people is “priority one.” It is nice to begin our discussions with such complete agreement on such an important matter, and so we believe that this would be the best place to begin.

So before beginning the process of the actual audit itself, our first order of business will be to select an appropriate delegate from your agency who is qualified to meet with us. With that in mind, my colleagues here at Earl’s — Bob in transmission, Wayne in body work, and my son Earl Jr. in engine repair — have met together to frame some questions that will help us select an agent who might best represent you.

Some of the questions may seem invasive at first glance, and for this we do apologize. At the same time, there will be nothing revealed to us that the National Security Agency doesn’t already have on file, and in addition, given the times in which we live, such trade-offs are sometimes a regrettable necessity. As always, your legitimate concerns for privacy is our highest priority, and we do thank you for your cooperation.

As you go through the crucial process of selecting an agent to meet with us, we would appreciate it if you would vet them with the following questions. If you could, we would appreciate a list of three nominees, together with their answers to these questions. After an appropriate period of time for review, we will get back to you as expeditiously as possible.

Here are the questions. First, who did you vote for in the 08 presidential election? On a related note, who did you vote for in 2012? Have you ever been assigned to the IRS offices in Cincinnati? Have you ever visited there? Is your last name Lerner, or does it rhyme with Lerner? Do you listen to NPR on your way to work? Have you ever purchased a gallon of milk at Walmart? What did you major in as an undergraduate? From which university or college? Would you be willing to come to our first visit prepared to provide us with a urine sample?

Once the process of auditing has begun, we have no doubt that some additional questions may arise in addition to these outlined here. But as mentioned above, our deepest desire is to serve you, and to make the entire process as smooth as possible. Thank you for your prompt compliance.

Sincerely,

Earl