When a relationship goes south on you, and the whole thing seems inexplicable, the place to turn for wisdom is James 4. Where do these out-of-the-blue conflicts come from, for pity’s sake? And of course, all the initial trouble-shooting diagnostics you run ought not to be trying to figure out what went wrong with the other guy. Ambrose Bierce once defined a Christian as one who believes the New Testament is a divinely inspired book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
I was reminded of all these things yet again because of some recent foolishness on the Internet — I don’t need to mention where, right? There is only one foolish site out there, right?
When someone gets a skewed view of you, and nothing seems to be able to fix it, the temptation is to try to . . . fix it, just one last time — another explanation, another conversation, another appeal, we are all of us adults with drivers’ licences here. This shouldn’t be so hard. And yet, there you are at the end of your appeals, gray hair and all, feeling like you just came out of a hard relationship day back in junior high school.
Once someone sees you from this tangled perspective, reason won’t fix it. Neither will appeals to the facts or to the need for maturity. Trying to fix things that way is the ultimate exercise in futility. This person’s perspective of you is similar to the perspective the family cat has of the laundry room after inadvisedly getting into the dryer to cozy up in the warm towels. He did not think that somebody was going to think another five minutes for the towels was going to be necessary. Trying to fix this kind of thing with a rational appeal is like throwing a couple sheets of Downy fabric softener in there as aid and support for the cat.
So how can this kind of thing be fixed? Can it be? Of course, this is a fallen world, and there is not a nice little automatic solution to every relationship problem. But the Holy Spirit is in the world, and one of the things He is doing is the vast and glorious work of reconciliation. But this reconciliation is always based on the bold proclamation of the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ on a bloody cross. The engine that is driving all the screwiness is envy, competition, hunger, lust, mimetic desire (see James 4 yet again). Where do these conflicts come from? Scripture tells us. And true reconciliation always has blood all over it. Nothing “rational” about it at all.