On a couple’s wedding day, everything is wonderful, and this is just as it should be. The future really is bright, and among all earthly blessings and goods, marriage ranks with the best. But at the same time, there is a reason why we have gathered here in a church, in the name of God, with attendant witnesses, in order to solemnize these vows that are about to be taken.
The reason is that we live in a broken world, and things can go wrong. Suppose you were about to fly off somewhere to the vacation of your dreams, and you were just getting on the plane. As you entered, you glanced into the cockpit, and what would you think? You would not accuse the pilot of being morbid if you saw him working through his checklist. The fact that he was working through his checklist would increase your gladness, not diminish it. A dream vacation and safety also.
When a pastor is giving premarital or marriage counseling, one of the central things on his checklist should be his interest in heading off the hazard of bitterness. Bitterness wrecks our relationship with God, our relationship with all others, our relationship with our own souls, and particularly the relationship that ought to exist between husband and wife. This is why Paul makes a point of saying this:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”Colossians 3:19 (KJV)
As we formulate our checklists, one of the things we should do is pay attention to the apostolic checklists. What do they tell husbands to watch out for? What do they encourage wives to do and not do? The Scriptures were given to us for a reason. We need them. We need them particularly if we are going to enter into a lifelong commitment with another person who has been known to sin from time to time, and we have also been known to sin from time to time. And things can really get festive if you both arrange to sin at the same time. This can be a real seedbed for bitterness.
But we make a mistake if we think that bitterness is simply a horizontal thing between two individuals. No, the source of bitterness is ultimately theological. It is rooted in our relationship with God. We don’t like how God decided to run the world, or at least the small part of the world that affect us.
“so that there may not be among you man or woman or family or tribe, whose heart turns away today from the Lord our God, to go and serve the gods of these nations, and that there may not be among you a root bearing bitterness or wormwood.”Deuteronomy 29:18 (NKJV)
Notice the close connection between falling away to serve other gods, and the root of bitterness. The author of Hebrews refers to this passage when he warns us against the sin of bitterness.
“Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.”Hebrews 12:15 (KJV)
Bitterness is described as a root, and the deepest part of that root is unbelief, turning away from our Father in Heaven. This becomes clear if we think about it for just a moment. God is the ultimate source of every grace and every virtue. We can no more be free of bitterness in our relationships if unplugged from Him than an unplugged refrigerator can keep the milk from going rancid.
If we are in fellowship with God, it is possible for us to remain in fellowship with one another (1 John 1:7). If we are not in fellowship with Him, then we are going to find ourselves out of step with everyone else. This will be particularly true of our husbands, who will persist in doing that thing that he does. It will also be particularly true of our wives, who will not stop doing that thing that she does. We need the kindness of God, sharper than any two-edged sword, to cut through all these knots that we tie.
And of course, as we should know, the only way to be in fellowship with God is through the blood of His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. We were estranged from Him, alienated from the world, and at complete odds with one another, hating and being hated, until God addressed our problem by placing His Son on a cross, and taking all His fury at our bad behavior, and pouring that fury all over Him. That is good and straight gospel, right there. Men and women who believe this are equipped to treat one another decently.
Ethan, my charge to you is this. I have just stated the gospel, and your task is to be a walking embodiment of that gospel in how you treat your wife. Paul says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, giving Himself up for her. That is a tall order—an impossible order, in fact. But your task is not to collapse under the weight of it but rather to turn to God who makes impossible things possible. It is possible for you to love your wife, to be all in when it comes to loving your wife, and to leave no room for bitterness anywhere. That is my solemn charge to you.
And Louisa, my charge to you is found in this. The only thing tougher than living with a woman in this sinful world is the task of living with a man in this sinful world. When challenges to your fellowship arise, you will probably be the one who notices it first. Do not resent this—men can be slow. Rather, take the opportunity to render respect to your husband, looking up to him, as the church does to Christ. Do not look to him with any bitterness. Rather, look to him with glad expectation and respect.
I know that you both know these things, and I know that the grace of God is abundantly present. He will enable you to do them.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen.